I TOTALLY FORGOT I HAD A BLOG

It is pretty obvious by now that I did not know what I was doing when I decided to start this blog. Truth is I almost never know what I am doing, but this time I was really clueless. I should have written about so many things already, and all I have is a combination of silly thoughts in the form of 4 entries. Well my friends, it is what it is, that´s me, I start things and most times I do not follow them through. This time though, I came back, so I guess that means something. Truth is, I have not been inspired lately. For a while life seemed like a monotonous combination of day to day acts, with no particularly special events or experiences worth talking about. We all go through that more times that we would like. But the good news is this doesn’t last forever, something always happens, and once again, everything changes. 

Yes, I met someone, and I am not afraid to talk about it. Sometimes people come into your life in the right moment. I do not want to talk about the word “fate” because I do not fully comprehend what lies behind the idea that everything is set to happen in a certain way, but I do believe that everything happens for a reason. And this person happened when I needed it most. I am willing to talk about this here because I said I was going to get it all out in this thing (that and the fact that I know for sure he will not read this). In a place where men feel comfortable enough to come up to you and say “wanna go fuck?” without even knowing your name, this guy was a breath of fresh air. Let me begin by saying that I do not know what it is yet, where we stand, or what is going to happen, I honestly do not care. All I know is that he made me care in a moment when everything seemed unattractive, unappealing and boring. I believe that’s the beauty of life, waking up when you are sleep walking through the streets of randomness and oblivion. It is quite sad that sometimes we need a person to wake us up when we should be able to do it by ourselves, but every once in a while, we get a little help and it comes in many forms. Mine has green eyes and has an overwhelming and incomprehensible ability to put up with me and my never ending whining about the world, most importantly, he actually finds it adorable, which makes me believe he is insane, but who cares, so am I. 

I did want to share this with everyone, because someone once told me: “When you are happy and you share it you feel double the happiness, and when you are sad and you share it you are only half sad”, this rings so true. In a world where you never know what’s going to happen, you need to enjoy every second, every moment, and for me, enjoying it also means sharing it by writing, because even though it might not seem like it, and even thought I am sure I suck at it, I love writing. So yes, I’m not always bitter and complaining about how awful life is, sometimes, like now, I feel grateful for the days, the hours, or maybe even the minutes that make it all worthwhile. 

So I just wanted to send a little bit of a good vibe out there. But hey, do not get me wrong, it’s not all good news. This “help” that I got in my times of sorrow lives far away, so right now I am dealing with the whole long distance thing, and when u think about the fact that I have sort of a psycho-paranoid personality, you realize this is not an easy endeavor. If any of my ex-boyfriends are reading this now they are probably either laughing or remembering with fear because they know what I´m talking about, when I cannot control a situation I tend to get a little crazy. So I guess I have to deal with that, and see how everything unfolds, but that’s what´s amazing about it, you just never know. 

G

ALMOST 30!!!

I took a look at my blog entries a few days ago and I didn’t like what I saw. When I started this I wanted it to mean something, and as I read about that plane story, or my ups and downs or my insomnia I did not feel much. I was talking to my best friend the other day and I told her that I felt the need to share intimate experiences and real deep feelings through this thing. I also told her that I was afraid to do this. Most of the people who are reading this now know me. We´ve either been friends forever, or we have seen each other once or twice, or we just met last year, or maybe we have never met in person but spoken somehow. Either way, it feels embarrassing to expose myself to everyone. My best friend (let`s call her “Andy”) always supportive and encouraging, said something like this: “Fuck what people think, just write whatever the hell you want and stop worrying about stupid things like you always do”… That’s my Andy, I must say she has been there for me in much harder times than this blogging crisis, and she has got me through it all, God bless her… but I digress… So in honor to her wise words I will turn this thing around and I will talk about things that maybe I should not talk about considering my brother reads this blog (bro, whenever you read the word sex STOP READING IMMEDIATELY). 

I will not talk about sex today; I do not feel like it, even though I do have some good stories to tell. Not with details of course, I am not a porn writer, (even though I learned some good tips from that last book I read) but I could write about the people involved, words said, doors slammed, feelings hurt, recurring mistakes, good memories, GREAT memories, and so on… But not today. 

Today I want to talk about the fact that I am 29, which means I am … wait, it hurts even as I start to write it...................... OK I am ready…yes, it means I am… Almost 30… There, I said it. I do not know why but I have been dreading this moment ever since I turned 25. You are probably thinking what an idiot, she said she was going to talk about intimate issues and she is talking about her age.  Well friends, this is as intimate as it gets for me right now. I am having a midlife crisis at 29, as stupid as that might sound. There are so many places I wanted to be by the time I was 30. I can honestly tell you I am in none of those places. OK, I have done so many great things throughout my life, lived wonderful moments, met amazing people, but somehow I feel like I am losing the race against time. Let´s face it, society sucks, and it has ruined me by planting expectations in my head since I was 7 years old. I can’t help but feel like I should be at least on my way to forming a family. And as I see it I haven’t even figured out my professional path yet. Shit, why is it that some people have it all figured out by the time they are 21, and some other people like me are forever wondering? Yes I am bitching people, and with reason. 

I know we are in the 21^st century and things have changed. But still, as I see evolution around me, I feel a little left behind. Trust me; this is not about men and relationships. Although it would be nice to have that down cause then I would not have to worry about giving birth at 40 and my future son seeing me as a grandma, OK I’m obsessing, forgive me. As I was saying, this crisis I am having has nothing to do with my lack of luck in the romance department. I have had relationships that have brought me great moments (and let’s face it, some real shitty moments too) and from which I have learned a lot. I am sure all these men that have come and gone have prepared me for whoever will finally accept this challenge that is me, and for that I am grateful to all of them. OK it sounds like I am talking about hundreds of men, it’s not hundreds, it`s a lot less. Some of them are probably reading this, and if you are I hope you don’t mind but I will be talking about past relationships so do not be mad if you feel like a story sounds too familiar, I will always use fake names ;). Wow it’s amazing how I always get off track. What I wanted to say is that I am not bitter because I am 29 and I am single. Being single has given me time to be with myself, with my friends, the opportunity to leave a country with no regrets, the freedom to meet all kinds of wonderful people. I am sure that when I am ready to settle down, it will happen. What drives me insane is the fact that life seems to be passing me by and my youth going away. 

Yes I know, I`m 29 not 80, but it’s symbolic! Turning 30 it’s like the end of the great years! Your childhood, your teenage years… the first time you fell in love, the first exam you failed, the first time you got drunk and of course your first awful hangover, when you graduated from high school, when you met the people who are now your best friends, the first time your parents talked to you about sex (my mother sent my aunt to do it, it was hilarious)… your first love!!! Oh your first love… writing their name in your notebooks, dedicating songs to them, the first time you held hands, the first kiss!, mine was amazing, (I know you are reading this, thanks for the most wonderful memories and for being in my life still). How can I not want to hold on? Turning 30 means the end of an era, it means I am not a kid anymore, and God how I loved being a kid. I have always been afraid of growing up, therefore my lack of commitment in many of my endeavors. But I feel like now it`s finally time to move on, to accept the fact that I am not a little girl anymore, that I now have to finish everything I start, stop living through my old memories and start creating new ones. I need to get cured once and for all of this Peter Pan syndrome and be 30 and proud… But right now, I am scared, I am holding on too tight. Some people say I might have missed my train, others say I am way too young to be talking about this, and me? I just love life too much to age happily. Truth is I have been lucky, and I just hope that whatever comes next feels the way these past 29 years have felt.

INSOMNIA

Ok so it´s 5:20 am, and I´m supposed to get up at 7:30 to go to work. I have tried everything, counting sheep, thinking of the color white (somebody told me that would work… I just felt stupid doing it), I even drank a glass of milk, and I hate milk. I did that thing when you are supposed to think about nothing, but I kept thinking “think of nothing” and that sure is thinking of something, so I got more stressed realizing this was an impossible endeavor, which made me even more awake. As a consequence, I decided to give up and think of something better to do, something that didn’t involve herds of sheep. And so here I am, writing… could not think of anything better.

Not being able to sleep sucks, that’s pretty much all I want to say right now. I mean, it gets so lonely. You are lying there, all alone with your thoughts no less! And let me tell you something, insomnia thoughts are way trickier than your everyday thoughts. You think about your life, all aspects of it, good and bad. You think about other people`s lives. Failures, successes, EVERYTHING! And when your mind is going 1000 miles per hour that’s it, you are done my friend, sleep will never come back. So here I am, rambling once again, and this time I’m thinking why am I writing this? Why would people care about my sleeping problems? I have no answer for that, maybe nobody cares, but I will not stop, I can´t, I do not want to think anymore. Truth is, I thought doing this might help, you know, typing and reading and all that, but nope… nothing… 

I can already picture myself at work in two hours. I will not be on my best mood. I will not look my best. And in my line of work you are supposed to be quite pleasing, all smiles and look always your best. No, I´m not a call girl, I work at a Hotel front desk. I have to answer all kinds of questions from all kinds of people. Nice people (God bless them), not so nice people, and AWFUL people who see me as a servant who is obliged to make their every wish come true. Failure to do so would result in an angry guest screaming for the manager asking him who in their right mind would ever think of hiring an incompetent person like me who just does not know at what angle the sun sets. Yes, a guest once asked me this. I honestly did not know the answer, and he literally FREAKED! This guy was angry and I just happened to be there. I had to take it all, with a smile on my face, apologizing always for my ignorance. Guests are always right. But in two hours, I do not think I will be able to answer any of these questions. Will I be able to hold the smile? I doubt it… I just might say I lost my voice… That’s it! I will go there and pretend I have no voice! Hope that works… I’m freaking out… Its 6 am now… 

I have an hour and a half left. Trying to sleep now would be stupid. I WILL NEVER wake up, and I have to take care of this internship or I will be trapped in this city forever. But do not worry, I will not keep writing for 90 minutes. I am not that inconsiderate… I think I´m going to catch up on some reading now. By the way, the most awful thing happened to me two days ago. I was in a Starbucks reading a book that at the beginning was quite light, funny and romantic, and then all of a sudden in chapter 16 turned into hardcore porn!!! It was such a disappointment! I could not believe what I was reading, and I was reading this at a public place! I immediately blushed and ran away from there. I felt people were looking at me thinking: PERVERT! It was quite a funny moment actually, and I have NO IDEA why I just told you this, but there it is. Ok so I´m signing off now, going back to this lonely desert that is my insomnia. 

G...

Everyone has a bad day, or week...

When I started this thing I said I was going to be sharing my feelings and experiences… I haven’t written in days, and that’s because I have been feeling down… Today I decided to write about some random event of my life… You know, to take my mind off things… But it was a feel good story; I felt ridiculous trying to write something funny, when I am feeling anything but. So I have decided to stay true to my feelings, to my mood! I will not deceive anyone who reads this into believing that the world is perfect all the time, because nothing is further from the truth.

Life is hard, I’m sure this is not news to any of you. Isn’t it amazing how you can feel like you`ve got it all one day, and then, the next day you are totally unsatisfied? The human mind astonishes me, it tricks you, it sabotages you sometimes, and today my mind is playing games with me. And what’s worse! I'M LETTING IT WIN!

I go out of my house and where I usually see love, I now see hate, hypocrisy, fear, envy, greed. I’m focusing on the negativity and it is bringing me down. Then, I look inside of me and I do not like what I see! A few questions come to mind: What’s happening with the world? What´s happening to me? I am pretty sure I`m not ready to answer the first question. The world is a continuous battle between good and evil. Sometimes I feel like the human nature is destroying everything. What’s more, sometimes I feel embarrassed of my own nature, of my own humanity. But then, I see love again, everything we are capable of doing when we love. We are different, we are a special kind. WE GET TO LOVE! So the world is as confusing as my words, and much more. There is love and ugliness and sacrifice and murders and giving and good souls and bad souls and everything. Everything… 

I can only hope, I can only dig inside myself to get some of that faith that gets me through every time. But I am a whole other issue. My situation. My life.  What am I doing? Where am I going? I have taken so many wrong turns throughout my life that I can´t seem to recognize if I am on the right one now. Probably not, that would be a first. I feel like life is passing me by and I have not done one thing, one significant thing that truly defines me. Actually, writing is the only thing I have ever done that feels close to that. I’m stuck. That’s the truth. There is no other world for it. I have done the unimaginable to unstuck myself, but nothing works, I´m inevitably stuck. And maybe I am not stuck at all, maybe it is just a feeling, maybe I am moving along with time and with the world, but I can´t seem to notice. Sometimes I feel like I am the same girl I was 10 years ago, and that frightens me….

Anyways, do not worry about me, I will be fine, this is my mind talking not my heart. And my mind is a tricky one. Next time I do this blog thing I am sure I will be back to my old sarcastic self, trying to figure things out as I go… as I breathe… as a write…

THE PLANE STORY

I am thinking about how to start new entries. I have been sitting here for about 20 minutes trying to figure out an opening line. Should I address whoever is reading this by saying hello? Something like: Hi there! Or should I start immediately with my topic? God this blog thing is harder than I thought. I think I will not say HI THERE! Sounds lame… Whatever, I will put this issue in the box where I keep things to be decided later.

Ok so last time I said I was going to talk about planes. Maybe I should not have done that because I feel like now I HAVE to write about that and I do not like to HAVE to do things. I mean, it´s not like I don´t want to explore that topic, I really do, but what if I had something more important or more interesting to say? As I write this I realize I have done two paragraphs and I still have not said ANYTHING remotely interesting or important so I guess I should stick with planes after all. 

So there I was, on an 8 hour flight from Miami to London, hoping. Every time I get on a plane I believe wonderful things are about to happen. Yes, yes, I know what you are thinking, I watch way too much TV. It’s true, I do, and I believe that the film industry has completely ruined me by filling my head with dumb and unrealistic expectations. OK back to my silly plane story. I was sitting on my aisle seat, (I hate window seats because if the person next to you falls asleep that’s it, you are trapped forever) thinking: This is it! My dream man will come and sit next to me, there will be some turbulence and suddenly we will hold hands, we will look at each other , fall in love and live happily ever after (ok, I´m pathetic sometimes so what?). So I start looking at the line of people walking towards their seats, one by one they walk through the aisle as I wait with hope for my potential life partner. And then, finally, someone approaches, a fifty something year old man. Realizing I was going to be his companion for the duration of the flight his face lightens up while I think: ok maybe next time.  Don´t get me wrong, I do not judge people by their age! This man also had a wedding ring, and as I saw him I thought he probably had a daughter who is my age so I immediately gave up on the idea. With my dreams crushed I turned my attention to the selection of movies I had, put my headphones on and started watching a romantic comedy, no less. Suddenly I feel this energy coming towards me; I turn my head to the right, and see this man looking intensely at me, and he says: “I’m afraid of flying would you mind talking to me? “. So there I was, with a big dilemma, either this man was a freak trying to pick me up with this stupid line, or he was indeed afraid and needed someone to talk to him. I finally decide to comply because if this was true and the man needed me, and I refused, then for sure bad karma would come my way, and I don´t need any more bad karma, I have enough for this lifetime and the next. We engage in random conversation, he was indeed married and had three daughters, one of them almost my age by the way. Turns out this man was quite alright, he told me really nice and insightful stories and made my flight feel shorter. I didn’t fall in love, (thank God cause that would have been complicated), but I did have a great time. 

I had a point with this story, I swear, but I totally forgot what it was. I think it was something like sometimes you expect something and then life sends something completely different your way. It might seem annoying but I believe you have to give it a chance because it might surprise you. I have sat besides dozens of people, people who talk too much, people who didn´t talk at all, people who snore, all kinds of people, and maybe just because it wasn’t what I expected I closed myself, and by doing this I might have missed on something special, like moments, or friendships. It’s not really a story about a plane; it’s a story about life. The universe doesn’t always give you what you want, but I’m sure it gives you what you need. Maybe I´m not ready for happy endings.  But I was ready to help someone who needed me. So there, that’s my point, be open to life, to what it sends your way cause you never know what you might find. Oh and never lose hope, keep flying, maybe someday, we will find the perfect plane ride, in the meantime, just enjoy whatever happens. 

Ok plane topic done… I really want to write about something else, but I won´t say what it is this time… cause tomorrow something incredible and amazing could happen and I will probably want to write about that more, you see life is like this, you just never know.

G…

My first time (writing in one of these things)

Ok so this is my first blog entry…  It took my almost one month to come up with the name of this thing, and when I finally did, I ended up hating it, so this one is a trial name. Now it’s taking me an equal amount of time to figure out the topic for this first one. The whole thing makes me think I probably wasn’t ready to do this, but then again, I’ve never felt ready to do anything and things that I was not ready for have turned into amazing experiences, so maybe this is one of those times… or not… we´ll see. Just bear in mind that i have NEVER done anything like this, so this is totally under construction.

Given that right now I have no idea what to talk about, I figured I might as well write and maybe, this will start taking some sort of form. You know, like when you look at clouds and they have no shape but if you stare long enough you will finally see something? I guess that’s kinda what I’m going for right now. Feel free to sign off as soon as you feel like you have stared too long. Am I rambling? I probably am, by now I probably lost some readers too. Ok!  Let’s try this again. 

I might not have a topic but I promise I have a purpose. What I want to do with this blog is basically vent. I want to let it all out. The things I see, how I see them, what I feel about them. Little things that sometimes baffle me, and big events that I don´t care about. I also feel like this will be a way for me to reach out. You see, the thing is, I think I’m crazy. Sometimes I feel quite strongly about whatever topic, and then I realize I’m the only one who feels like this about this particular issue. Most times I feel like I’m sure I’m right, and people see me like I’m this person from another planet.  So here, I would like to put that to the test. I have the best friends in the world, but for some reason they love contradicting me, thus, making me think that my opinions are pretty much out there. Have you ever sat in a corner with a big predicament in your head, crying or being quite worried, and suddenly asked God for a sign so you can know what to do? Well that happens to me a lot too. I must admit havent gotten any concrete answers (I do believe i have been sent subliminal messages but sometimes I’m too dumb to figure them out). I would be forever in your debt (and believe me I am already in your debt for having read this long) if while I use this tool to speak my mind, I end up figuring out that im not that insane or that I am indeed a disturbed person who needs help. That would be great, cause then I would know for sure. It is amazing what you can do when you stop to listen to other people`s thoughts and opinions. I feel like sometimes we are so full of our own feelings, resentments, subjectivities, that we fail to reach the depths, or even the simplicity of that which affects us.

Ok so there! I HAVE A PURPOSE! Wow, this is HUGE! A little step towards something I have yet to figure out. Wow, I think I have written a lot and I didn’t talk about anything. Ok that’s not true, I did expose my intentions when it comes to this blog that I don’t want to call blog cause I don’t like that word. It sounds like bug, and I hate bugs. So I think I am going to call it something else, like my outbox, or my venting devise, or my journal. No, not journal, journal sounds like I’m 12. Oh how I wish I was 12 again… I digress… I will keep thinking about a name, but for now I´m signing off. I came back to Barcelona today (that’s where I live… someday I will write about why im here, i still do not know the answer) and it was a terrible, tiresome, long, long flight, so I should get some sleep. I think tomorrow I will talk about people who sit beside you in planes, how you always expect it to be your dream person, and how it will irrevocably be quite the opposite of what you were expecting. Life is interesting like that, and it has an endless ability to surprise you. 

Hope you enjoyed these first words, or at least I hope you didn’t fall asleep, or if you did fall asleep I hope you had nice dreams. Till next time…

G…