THE ONE.. (?)

Ok so I´m starting to think that this blog thing is pretty much evidence of all that I am, that is, not that constant in anything I do. Even though writing has become the one thing I actually feel passionate about I somehow manage to push it back in my priority list and then I end up posting once every three months… I promise I have a little notebook filled with thoughts and things to put in here, but I have to face it, sometimes I’m just too lazy. Nevertheless, my laziness is not my topic for today. 

Today I want to talk about the notion that some people, perhaps most people, have that there is one person meant for you in this world, or in this lifetime. I must admit, I used to be one of these people. I used to think that there was one man totally designed for me, waiting somewhere, somehow connecting with me through an invisible cord. This cord would every day become shorter and shorter and then someday it would be short enough for us to finally meet and feel instant bliss and comfort in knowing that we finally found each other. Yes, I did believe in this, I do not want to say that this made me an idiot because there might be people out there who feel the same way and I do not want to insult or hurt anyone as I have done in previous posts (sorry LiamL). But I do feel like I was somehow misguided once again by all the movies and stories that ruined me. I thought of this because today I was listening to a song, a very cheesy, romantic, over-the-top ballad that instantly made me think of that person I once thought was “the one” for me. 

What is it about music that it is somehow able to transport us to old places, old feelings, and old situations? I mean sometimes it´s cool cause we remember amazing moments, but honestly most times it just takes us back to that which we would much rather forget. And so there I was, listening to “A thousand years” (the theme song of Breaking Dawn, no less), which pretty much says “I´ve loved you for a Thousand years and I´ll love you for a thousand more”… Ok, let me just short-story it… There is this guy who I believed was “the one”, he is that complicated guy that I pretty much knew I was never going to be able to get. A frustrated intellectual, a philosopher unaware that he was one, a guy whose mere voice would make me melt instantly, but who, of course, never felt quite the same way about me. We had our little story, amazing enough that it lasted me forever, it ended quite quickly because of circumstances, and then maybe once a year we would reconnect and it would all be like it never ended. I lived for those moments, I had other relationships in between these encounters, but I used to believe that we were soul mates; I made my mind believe that someday we would realize that it was the right time, and be together forever. In the mean time, the guys I met I would compare to him, they did not talk the way he did, they did not inspire me with their words like he did, they did not make my heart stop quite that way, so they were not for me. BIG MISTAKE! I might have missed up on amazing things because of that, but I try never to regret anything I do, because all my actions have led me here, and I like it here. However, I now think of it more like an addition. You know how I said that people are addicted to drama? Well maybe this is quite an example for that. I loved feeling the anguish, the despair, the excitement of seeing him again, the wondering of WHAT IF, the idea and agony of unrequited love. The drama of it all... I even discovered that there was such a thing as unselfish love, I was willing to be happy for him should he find a woman that made him happy. I believed this with all my heart, I still do actually, and I do think that that’s the ultimate level of love, the one where you just let them free and are ok by them just being who they are. But I digress. 

This man was my own personal kind of crack, and I just recently had my last fix. Yes, after one year and a half (the amount of time I spend in Spain) I went back home, thinking I was totally over this whole stupid idea of the one, and that it was mostly a fixation of my mind and something I would hold on to, just to feel something that big. And so we arranged a little get together… As soon as I realized this was going to happen for real, my heart began to beat faster than I can explain, and then I was thinking WTF Gaby, relax, you know it’s no big deal… And so I take my car and I drive to meet him, palms sweating, heart attack coming… And then I get there, stayed in my car a good 20 minutes, trying to calm myself. I mean, the physical reactions to these sorts of things are QUITE FASCINATING aren’t they? I never quite understood them, what is it that makes our body react this way? Anyways, I finally get down and walk towards him, I act breezy and aloof, like my legs are not trembling at all, we hug it out, I feel like I’m about to run out of air, and he is charming as ever… nothing has changed, and then reality hits me in the face with a brick… It will never change, and I think that is what I have loved about it all along, the steadiness of it all, the difficulty, the challenge, the physical reactions… Deep inside I have always known, if we were together we would probably end up hating each other… So it works this way… So he was never “the one” he was the one I loved to love; which brings me to my point… There IS NO “ONE”! There are many “ONES”. There is the one we will always love to love no matter what, there is the one we will never forget, there is the first love and the first kiss, there is the one that we will fall head over hills for only to break up in three years, there is the one we will fall in love with and marry, there is the one who will be the father of our children, there is the one who we thought we fell for but then turned out to be our best friend, or the one friend that became one of the souls compatible to ours. Because there is not ONE soul mate, there are thousands of souls out there who are more than capable of making us happy, we just need to STOP idealizing people, stop having impossibly high expectations and let people in and just enjoy life, enjoy the NOW. I mean life is hard enough to then add up to it by being obnoxious and thinking there is one human being for us in this planet and we have to find it! That’s just too stressful I think, just get out there, fall as many times as you need to until you finally find the one person that makes you happy, the person that can witness your life and whose life will inspire you. There not much else to it… 

I am 30 and I am single, and I love it, cause I know that there is not “one” person for me, there are many amazing people out there, friends to be made, interesting human beings that will inspire me, crazy people that will make me laugh, and that’s what excites me most about life, the endless amount of possibilities…  And for that one person that used to be my fictional soul mate, but who still makes my hands shake uncontrollably, thank you for giving me these reactions, thank you for making it interesting and fun… And for all of you, who are reading, appreciate the “ones” that have come and gone, because everybody leaves us something, to grow, to learn, to love… and appreciate the “one” you have, because all we have is NOW! Love as if tomorrow doesn’t exist, show your love TODAY, do not leave it for another day, and do not keep waiting for right times, or other “ONES”…. That’s how I feel anyways, and I´m just putting it out there, like everything else… All my love to those who agree, and much more love to those who don’t…

G

THE HOOK UP GAMES

Ok so I kinda realized that my blog has been about me all along. I do not want to come off as some ego maniac freak that spends her days over analyzing herself. It is so obvious that there are far more interesting, funny and strange things happening out there. Like for instance: MEN AND WOMEN AND THE STUPID THINGS THEY DO OR SAY WHEN THEY WANT TO HOOK UP. Seriously, every time I go out I am in awe by what I see people do. And it’s not just men, its women too. The way they act all hard to get, saying no when they mean yes, and yes when they mean no, and I don’t know when they are really just clueless.  

Lately I have been paying more attention than ever it´s like I sit there and watch it all happen. But there is nothing like a personal experience is there? I specially want to talk about this guy that I met recently, let`s call him “Liam”. Liam is on his late 30s and he is the kind of guy who is always on the hunt, you know, like the guy who always goes to the same bar wearing always the same clothes he thinks are a success. In this bar there are like 4 new girls that he has never seen (all of the other ladies at the place he probably already hit on before) and all of them are possibilities, and believe me, he tries to get with all 4 of them, cause of course one is bound to bite, and usually one does, I know this because I did. Ok so this is not a bad looking guy, he is tall, well built, nice face, and of course, he is good with words. When I met him I was quite impressed, of course I didn’t really know him… and of course, I fell for the whole act. The thing to understand is this: men are not out there looking for their soul mate, they pretty much just want to get laid, and I mean, us girls know this, we have been there, more times than we would like, but even though all the signs point to “CAREFUL! HE IS AN ASSHOLE” we still go there. So one night I had a little too much to drink and let him kiss me, (NOTHING MORE HAPPENED) and what’s worse I let him into my HEAD! The next day I did what every woman does when the guy doesn’t call… I FREAKED OUT. I hate the stupid hours that go by while we, as idiots, wait by our cell phones just looking at it hoping that if we look hard enough it will ring… but it never does…he did not call. After a while we met again, and since I lost some weight he was interested again, and used the lowest card he could use on me, what men do when they want to get a girl for sure, he tried to lower my self esteem. I mean this is actually a technique they use as you can see in the following picture i found on the internet:

Anyways, he said: “When you lose all the weight you need to lose I will have you”. For some reason men are delusional and think that this can drive women insane for them, he thought I would say something like “oh no please take me now”. And let me be honest, somewhere deep inside, a tiny part of me, wanted to say that, but then a HUGE part of me just wanted to slap him in the face and tell him to go f..k himself, and so I told him just that, which of course made him want me more, as this is how these games work, a fight for power. Needless to say I feel ashamed, or maybe not ashamed, I feel that I am part of the human race, because I have been in this situations more times than I would like. I have seen my friends being played, o being players. I have heard phrases like: “hey I think we have chemistry, it would be a shame to waste that tonight”… or “you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen”, or “I cannot wait to get to know you better” only to be invited to a hotel later in the evening. I mean, we have to face it, boys will be boys. Somehow, Liam and I became “friends”, I mean we hang out with the same people and it was inevitable. He still says stupid things to me, he still thinks I will irremediably say yes at some point, and truth be told, I also have that stupid girl inside of me somewhere so it might happen, but trust me, I am fighting her! In the meantime, however, he hits on girls right in my face, usually all of them at the same time, he does not even care if they are there with other men, or if they are friends, he just knocks on doors waiting for someone to open one, and then someone does open it, only to be hit on the face with a brick. 

I mean seriously! What’s happening here people??? Do we really have to keep pretending? Do men really have to keep making stupid promises? And do us women have to keep hoping? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I am not bitter. I am one of those people who say what they want, do what they want, and don’t really care about whatever the hell other people think. But let´s face it, most men just want to get laid, and most women are out there looking for their better halves, (ok these days you see a lot of crazy women too but that’s not the topic) so how about a little honestly? How about if Liam would just come up and say: listen, I really  think you are hot, I have no idea if I am going to like you later but for know I just want to have sex with you, I cannot make any promises, probably I will never call you again. I´m sure he would get his fair share of slaps in the face, but then there would be less women out there feeling sorry for themselves. And how about if women could admit they have their needs too, cut the bullshit and just give Liam what he wants without pressuring him to be more than he is ever going to be? Because honestly it looks like Liam will always be an asshole. 

If we could all just say what we really want to say, cut the crap, stop playing games, maybe life would be a little easier right? But people LOVE THE DRAMA! We are drama dependants. No one knows what the hell they want… men are obsessed with women until they get them and then there are bored. Women love bad boys cause the good ones are boring and not challenging enough, and of course we are all  just a little bit masochistic inside aren´t we?… so WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THE HUMAN RACE??? What is it that people really want? And when it comes to romantic/sexual relationships, when do we stop lying to ourselves and to the people we want to relate to? The whole “finding a life partner” game is just too twisted for me to let it go by unmentioned. People who have already found someone who they can live with, someone to love, someone who just do not drive them crazy, HOLD ON TO THAT SOMEONE! Cause whatever issues you might be having, there is some crazy shit happening out there, some crazy people playing silly games. 

G. 

Note to Liam: If you are reading this, don´t be upset. Be proud I am using you to get my point across, let’s say I am using you for academic purposes. Sorry for calling you an asshole, I do not think that`s ALL you are… ;) 

FINALLY 30!! WTF

Ok so it happened. The most dreaded day of my life finally came. Yesterday, at 10:30 am (that’s the exact time of my birth, and I’m sure no one cares about that) I turned 30. I must say I had feared this day since I turned 25. I know it’s my mind being stupid since, as everyone says, age is nothing but a number, but regardless of that, when you are faced with one of your biggest fears, YOU FREAK OUT! And I did. 

I was driving back to town after an amazing pre birthday weekend with the guy who has become my personal guardian angel, (not in a romantic way but in a spiritual brother and sister way) on October 2^nd (the day before my birthday). It was 11:55 pm, and suddenly I realized it, I had only 5 minutes left of my twenties. 5 freaking minutes!!!!! There was nothing I could do. I wanted to freeze time, bend time, turn back time, anything you can see in a fiction movie that can be done with time I wanted to do it! But of course, it was reality, and reality has a way of slapping you in the face with brutal strength. So what’s a girl to do when she realizes she cannot manipulate time, or stop a great decade of her life from ending? Some mature people would say rise to the occasion, chin up and think of the decade that’s coming as one that is full of possibilities… Not me, I started crying like a baby. Crying like I was dying inside. My friend, let’s call him “Harry” was like WTF is wrong with you? I could not speak. Then it was 11:58… I was getting really desperate in that car… two minutes… TWO!  120 seconds left. What was going to happen to me? How was I going to deal with the expectations that people have on 30 year olds? How was I going to let go of the best years of my life? So many questions!!! No one there to answer… I could not utter the words to “Harry” so he could not help me out, he was just looking at me like ok, it finally happened, she lost it. Every single thing I have done, every person I have met, every heartbreak, every special moment, and every achievement and failure of the last 10 years flashed through my mind in a matter 60 seconds. And then I had one minute left, and I could not stop thinking WTF WTF WTF! My heart was racing, tears streaming down my face, incapable of speaking, my mind went black, and so I looked at the car`s digital clock that was now my worst enemy. And then, it happened. 12:00 am, October 3^rd 2011. I was 30. I felt numb. Harry was trying to hug me as he drove saying congratulations, I said thanks. I tried to explain it to him, like what are you doing don’t do this, I am freaking out, but he looked at me with such happiness, such joy brought by the fact that it was a great year and I should celebrate it, and I suddenly felt like the stupidest most childish woman ever to be born in the history of human race. 

I have never felt such a mixture of feelings in such a little amount of time, fear, rage, frustration, impotence, numbness, disgust, shame, and then, calm… Nothing happened; I did not grow a full head of grey hairs. I did however feel ashamed not to be grateful for everything I have lived so far; ashamed not to be excited of what was coming now. I think the sadness comes from the fact that life is so beautiful it is too hard to see it go by so fast. I can honestly say that I am on the way of becoming something I have never been but I’ll talk about that some other day. This is relevant because for this reason, and by the means of this thing that I am going through, I can expect wonderful things to happen, amazing experiences to be lived, changes and challenges I can´t wait to face, and yet I cried like a baby in that car holding on to what was known to me, fearing, dreading everything about a NUMBER!! 

Today I`m 30 years old (and one day), and I am feeling better. Part of the reason why I freaked was based on social conceptions of where someone should be at this age. According to old fashioned mostly conservative minds I should be married, thinking about having children (my grandmother says my ovaries are rotting), with a steady job and a life plan. Sadly I have none of that, and yes, many could say I´m late and perhaps I am. During my twenties I kept changing my mind about what it was that I wanted to do with my life, therefore, I studied different things, and even now I’m thinking I want to sink deeper into this writing thing, so I still have a lot to learn. Deep inside my mind there is a strong voice saying F..c society, f…c what everyone thinks. I have done all of this because I can, because I want to and I will continue to search for what makes me happy trying to honor of course everything my parents have done for me because without them, and their support, right now I would be a lawyer in this lawless country. I believe that everything happens when it should happen, when we are ready to handle things they will come to us. 

The five minutes prior to my birthday were probably 5 of the worse minutes of my life, but the actual day did not suck as much. I realized that the people I care about are still there, like every year, remembering me, giving me their love. Family and friends, love, cheers, health, life… Can´t ask for more than that. So how can I end this entry? I guess I should end it with honesty, saying exactly what’s on my mind right now, so here goes: IM 30 AND IM READY TO ROCK THIS DECADE THE WAY I ROCKED THE LAST! AND TO ANYONE THAT THINKS I SHOULD BE SOMEWHERE ELSE RATHER THAN WHERE IM AT IN LIFE: THAT’S YOUR PROBLEM, NOT MINE. Enjoy each day people!!! Life goes by in a blink…don’t be whiners like me, don’t be babies like me, it’s ok to be afraid but we must embrace what comes to us, look at fear in the face and then kick it in the ass… 

G

Goodbyes and feelings of gratefulness

It seems it was only yesterday when I was packing all my things and getting ready to change my life completely.   A year and a half has passed since I came to Spain. It really is amazing how time flies, it does, and it goes by in a blink as they say. I think it goes faster as we get older. As I write this I am thinking about a train, an unstoppable train, and when you look at the window you can see the most wonderful things, amazing views, magic all around, life. But sometimes we fall asleep in the train, or it goes so fast that there is an unavoidable feeling of having missed something along the way. I hope I haven’t missed much, I have tried to be awake, and what I have seen is beautiful beyond words (I have seen ugliness too, but I think that it lets you appreciate better the beauty of the rest).  

Well my train is taking a new turn, and so it is time to once again say goodbye to all that has been familiar to me during my time in this country that fought its way into my heart. I say “fought” because it was not love at first sight. Coming from so far away it was hard for me to adapt, I had some dark moments, moments when my mind won battles making me believe I did not belong, but that was all it was, negative thoughts I kept reinforcing until I realized that the discomfort was coming from inside not from outside. I have learned so much here, seen so much, and met so many wonderful people. And just as I was starting to feel “at home” I have to go again. And that is life, it keeps happening, it keeps moving, it keeps changing. It breaks my heart, especially for the people I leave behind. But then again, I get to see those who I said goodbye to when I came here. 

 One of my great friends here gave me a beautiful present; a huge framed collage of pictures of my favorite people in the world, family, friends, and other things than mean something to me. These are the kind of presents I value the most, memories put together, happy moments that make my passing in this world worthwhile. I am looking at it right this moment, hanging on my bedroom wall, and as I see it I realize how lucky I am, how lucky I have always been. And I just feel like finally sharing happy thoughts for a change. 

In the collage I see the regular suspects, the people that have been with me since I was born: my family. I see my mom and dad who are the very definition of unconditional love, their undying support of my many endeavors is nothing but living proof that there is such a thing as unlimited faith, for some reason they believe in me and that sole fact should make me smile everyday for the rest of my life. 

Then I see my late grandparents, who I am sure are watching over me, and all I can do is pray to God that somehow I have managed to make them proud. I wish they could read this, and if by some magical force or divine intervention they are, I want to say: I MISS YOU EVERYDAY.

Then there is my brother who I adore so much, with his bright eyes and relaxed smile that makes me wish really hard that I could go back to when we were kids and everything was easier; but no matter how complicated life turned out to be, whenever I am with him it’s like I am a kid again, and since I know for a fact that he is reading this I want to say THANK YOU! With you in my life I know I will feel young forever (nevermind my almost 30 crisis).

Looking further I see my old friends, the ones that I have had for years and years, the ones that should definitely get medals for putting up with me for so long. I mean with parents it is different, they love you because you are theirs, it’s a bond that`s beyond anything else, is like they HAVE to love you no matter what, but friends, they do not have to do anything, they get to choose, they decide if someone else is worth sticking around for, and for some reason my friends decided I was worth it, and man have they stuck around. Through the good, the bad, the awful and the unspeakable my friends have been there with me, for me, and sometimes, when it was much needed, against me. I give a shout out to friends all around, to people doing things for other people, to helping, to being there, I mean, even if you have been there for one person, even if one person has been there for you, you are lucky. It is my strongest wish to have made at least a little bit of a difference in the life of these people who have most certainly made a HUGE difference in mine.  

And finally, I see the people I have met during my stay in Spain. The super amazing people that made this year and a half an unforgettable one. I say unforgettable mostly because I know that from this experience what I take with me are friends for life, memories of endless laughter, (sometimes endless drinking), and most definitely reasons to come back. 

So as I say Goodbye, or see you soon, to all that has been dear to me during my time here I have to say that all in all I feel lucky to have this thing hanging on my wall. I am lucky to have had the chance to spend this time here. I am lucky that I get to go back to what I’m going back to. I’m lucky because I have the chance to keep looking on the window, in this train ride, and I cannot wait to see the views that await me, hoping of course to keep my dear ones close enough and that I manage to stay awake for it all. 

G...

I TOTALLY FORGOT I HAD A BLOG

It is pretty obvious by now that I did not know what I was doing when I decided to start this blog. Truth is I almost never know what I am doing, but this time I was really clueless. I should have written about so many things already, and all I have is a combination of silly thoughts in the form of 4 entries. Well my friends, it is what it is, that´s me, I start things and most times I do not follow them through. This time though, I came back, so I guess that means something. Truth is, I have not been inspired lately. For a while life seemed like a monotonous combination of day to day acts, with no particularly special events or experiences worth talking about. We all go through that more times that we would like. But the good news is this doesn’t last forever, something always happens, and once again, everything changes. 

Yes, I met someone, and I am not afraid to talk about it. Sometimes people come into your life in the right moment. I do not want to talk about the word “fate” because I do not fully comprehend what lies behind the idea that everything is set to happen in a certain way, but I do believe that everything happens for a reason. And this person happened when I needed it most. I am willing to talk about this here because I said I was going to get it all out in this thing (that and the fact that I know for sure he will not read this). In a place where men feel comfortable enough to come up to you and say “wanna go fuck?” without even knowing your name, this guy was a breath of fresh air. Let me begin by saying that I do not know what it is yet, where we stand, or what is going to happen, I honestly do not care. All I know is that he made me care in a moment when everything seemed unattractive, unappealing and boring. I believe that’s the beauty of life, waking up when you are sleep walking through the streets of randomness and oblivion. It is quite sad that sometimes we need a person to wake us up when we should be able to do it by ourselves, but every once in a while, we get a little help and it comes in many forms. Mine has green eyes and has an overwhelming and incomprehensible ability to put up with me and my never ending whining about the world, most importantly, he actually finds it adorable, which makes me believe he is insane, but who cares, so am I. 

I did want to share this with everyone, because someone once told me: “When you are happy and you share it you feel double the happiness, and when you are sad and you share it you are only half sad”, this rings so true. In a world where you never know what’s going to happen, you need to enjoy every second, every moment, and for me, enjoying it also means sharing it by writing, because even though it might not seem like it, and even thought I am sure I suck at it, I love writing. So yes, I’m not always bitter and complaining about how awful life is, sometimes, like now, I feel grateful for the days, the hours, or maybe even the minutes that make it all worthwhile. 

So I just wanted to send a little bit of a good vibe out there. But hey, do not get me wrong, it’s not all good news. This “help” that I got in my times of sorrow lives far away, so right now I am dealing with the whole long distance thing, and when u think about the fact that I have sort of a psycho-paranoid personality, you realize this is not an easy endeavor. If any of my ex-boyfriends are reading this now they are probably either laughing or remembering with fear because they know what I´m talking about, when I cannot control a situation I tend to get a little crazy. So I guess I have to deal with that, and see how everything unfolds, but that’s what´s amazing about it, you just never know. 

G

ALMOST 30!!!

I took a look at my blog entries a few days ago and I didn’t like what I saw. When I started this I wanted it to mean something, and as I read about that plane story, or my ups and downs or my insomnia I did not feel much. I was talking to my best friend the other day and I told her that I felt the need to share intimate experiences and real deep feelings through this thing. I also told her that I was afraid to do this. Most of the people who are reading this now know me. We´ve either been friends forever, or we have seen each other once or twice, or we just met last year, or maybe we have never met in person but spoken somehow. Either way, it feels embarrassing to expose myself to everyone. My best friend (let`s call her “Andy”) always supportive and encouraging, said something like this: “Fuck what people think, just write whatever the hell you want and stop worrying about stupid things like you always do”… That’s my Andy, I must say she has been there for me in much harder times than this blogging crisis, and she has got me through it all, God bless her… but I digress… So in honor to her wise words I will turn this thing around and I will talk about things that maybe I should not talk about considering my brother reads this blog (bro, whenever you read the word sex STOP READING IMMEDIATELY). 

I will not talk about sex today; I do not feel like it, even though I do have some good stories to tell. Not with details of course, I am not a porn writer, (even though I learned some good tips from that last book I read) but I could write about the people involved, words said, doors slammed, feelings hurt, recurring mistakes, good memories, GREAT memories, and so on… But not today. 

Today I want to talk about the fact that I am 29, which means I am … wait, it hurts even as I start to write it...................... OK I am ready…yes, it means I am… Almost 30… There, I said it. I do not know why but I have been dreading this moment ever since I turned 25. You are probably thinking what an idiot, she said she was going to talk about intimate issues and she is talking about her age.  Well friends, this is as intimate as it gets for me right now. I am having a midlife crisis at 29, as stupid as that might sound. There are so many places I wanted to be by the time I was 30. I can honestly tell you I am in none of those places. OK, I have done so many great things throughout my life, lived wonderful moments, met amazing people, but somehow I feel like I am losing the race against time. Let´s face it, society sucks, and it has ruined me by planting expectations in my head since I was 7 years old. I can’t help but feel like I should be at least on my way to forming a family. And as I see it I haven’t even figured out my professional path yet. Shit, why is it that some people have it all figured out by the time they are 21, and some other people like me are forever wondering? Yes I am bitching people, and with reason. 

I know we are in the 21^st century and things have changed. But still, as I see evolution around me, I feel a little left behind. Trust me; this is not about men and relationships. Although it would be nice to have that down cause then I would not have to worry about giving birth at 40 and my future son seeing me as a grandma, OK I’m obsessing, forgive me. As I was saying, this crisis I am having has nothing to do with my lack of luck in the romance department. I have had relationships that have brought me great moments (and let’s face it, some real shitty moments too) and from which I have learned a lot. I am sure all these men that have come and gone have prepared me for whoever will finally accept this challenge that is me, and for that I am grateful to all of them. OK it sounds like I am talking about hundreds of men, it’s not hundreds, it`s a lot less. Some of them are probably reading this, and if you are I hope you don’t mind but I will be talking about past relationships so do not be mad if you feel like a story sounds too familiar, I will always use fake names ;). Wow it’s amazing how I always get off track. What I wanted to say is that I am not bitter because I am 29 and I am single. Being single has given me time to be with myself, with my friends, the opportunity to leave a country with no regrets, the freedom to meet all kinds of wonderful people. I am sure that when I am ready to settle down, it will happen. What drives me insane is the fact that life seems to be passing me by and my youth going away. 

Yes I know, I`m 29 not 80, but it’s symbolic! Turning 30 it’s like the end of the great years! Your childhood, your teenage years… the first time you fell in love, the first exam you failed, the first time you got drunk and of course your first awful hangover, when you graduated from high school, when you met the people who are now your best friends, the first time your parents talked to you about sex (my mother sent my aunt to do it, it was hilarious)… your first love!!! Oh your first love… writing their name in your notebooks, dedicating songs to them, the first time you held hands, the first kiss!, mine was amazing, (I know you are reading this, thanks for the most wonderful memories and for being in my life still). How can I not want to hold on? Turning 30 means the end of an era, it means I am not a kid anymore, and God how I loved being a kid. I have always been afraid of growing up, therefore my lack of commitment in many of my endeavors. But I feel like now it`s finally time to move on, to accept the fact that I am not a little girl anymore, that I now have to finish everything I start, stop living through my old memories and start creating new ones. I need to get cured once and for all of this Peter Pan syndrome and be 30 and proud… But right now, I am scared, I am holding on too tight. Some people say I might have missed my train, others say I am way too young to be talking about this, and me? I just love life too much to age happily. Truth is I have been lucky, and I just hope that whatever comes next feels the way these past 29 years have felt.

INSOMNIA

Ok so it´s 5:20 am, and I´m supposed to get up at 7:30 to go to work. I have tried everything, counting sheep, thinking of the color white (somebody told me that would work… I just felt stupid doing it), I even drank a glass of milk, and I hate milk. I did that thing when you are supposed to think about nothing, but I kept thinking “think of nothing” and that sure is thinking of something, so I got more stressed realizing this was an impossible endeavor, which made me even more awake. As a consequence, I decided to give up and think of something better to do, something that didn’t involve herds of sheep. And so here I am, writing… could not think of anything better.

Not being able to sleep sucks, that’s pretty much all I want to say right now. I mean, it gets so lonely. You are lying there, all alone with your thoughts no less! And let me tell you something, insomnia thoughts are way trickier than your everyday thoughts. You think about your life, all aspects of it, good and bad. You think about other people`s lives. Failures, successes, EVERYTHING! And when your mind is going 1000 miles per hour that’s it, you are done my friend, sleep will never come back. So here I am, rambling once again, and this time I’m thinking why am I writing this? Why would people care about my sleeping problems? I have no answer for that, maybe nobody cares, but I will not stop, I can´t, I do not want to think anymore. Truth is, I thought doing this might help, you know, typing and reading and all that, but nope… nothing… 

I can already picture myself at work in two hours. I will not be on my best mood. I will not look my best. And in my line of work you are supposed to be quite pleasing, all smiles and look always your best. No, I´m not a call girl, I work at a Hotel front desk. I have to answer all kinds of questions from all kinds of people. Nice people (God bless them), not so nice people, and AWFUL people who see me as a servant who is obliged to make their every wish come true. Failure to do so would result in an angry guest screaming for the manager asking him who in their right mind would ever think of hiring an incompetent person like me who just does not know at what angle the sun sets. Yes, a guest once asked me this. I honestly did not know the answer, and he literally FREAKED! This guy was angry and I just happened to be there. I had to take it all, with a smile on my face, apologizing always for my ignorance. Guests are always right. But in two hours, I do not think I will be able to answer any of these questions. Will I be able to hold the smile? I doubt it… I just might say I lost my voice… That’s it! I will go there and pretend I have no voice! Hope that works… I’m freaking out… Its 6 am now… 

I have an hour and a half left. Trying to sleep now would be stupid. I WILL NEVER wake up, and I have to take care of this internship or I will be trapped in this city forever. But do not worry, I will not keep writing for 90 minutes. I am not that inconsiderate… I think I´m going to catch up on some reading now. By the way, the most awful thing happened to me two days ago. I was in a Starbucks reading a book that at the beginning was quite light, funny and romantic, and then all of a sudden in chapter 16 turned into hardcore porn!!! It was such a disappointment! I could not believe what I was reading, and I was reading this at a public place! I immediately blushed and ran away from there. I felt people were looking at me thinking: PERVERT! It was quite a funny moment actually, and I have NO IDEA why I just told you this, but there it is. Ok so I´m signing off now, going back to this lonely desert that is my insomnia. 

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