Fuck my
life… Yes, that’s how I want to begin this entry… I am SOOOO upset. I think I am
going through the five stages of loss and grief… the funny thing is I haven’t lost
anyone, because I had no one to begin with. It is said that when you lose
someone you go through a number o f stages, namely: denial, anger, bargaining, depression
and acceptance. I think that my psychotic self somehow decided that I needed to
go through this hell in order to survive this stupid heartbreak that I am
suffering from. Remember my last post? When I said I was grateful for these
feelings and for the survival of my heart? Well that might have been true that
day, but today? Today I say BULLSHIT! Yes, today I am unreasonable, mad, crazy
and VERY ANGRY. Today I wish my heart was still dead, numb, and oblivious to
all of this nonsense that I am inflicting over it.
I do not
know why I am sharing this with the world, but to hell with it. I decided to
create this thing in order to vent, and to whine, and to express myself, and what
better moment to vent than now when ALL MY STUPID FEELINGS are so hopelessly
exposed. You see, for a number of reasons that are too mundane to divulge here,
and that I will not bore you with, I am now 100 percent sure that this man that
I fell for, that this “friend” that decided to become the object of my every
nightmare, is not for me. I mean I know I already said that in my last post,
but I must confess that deep inside of me, I truly believed that there was
hope, I saw a glimmer of light in what was without a doubt darkness in the most
horrible of forms. Well fuck that glimmer of light cause there is none, I was
completely wrong, there is no hope, no light, no possibility, no nothing. And
even though I said that this pain, made me feel alive and true as that might
be, today I feel like it is straining my every muscle, hurting my already
aching body, and killing my very soul (drama queen much?). I want to scream…. And what is it with
the crying???? GOD!! I cannot for the life of me stop crying like a little
girl! These are all things I had mastered in avoiding and now I am hopelessly
submerged in this ocean of tears and self pity! Shit I feel like I am drowning
here people!!!
Ok having
exposed all of that, bad words and all, I think it is safe to say that I am
going INSANE. My ego is definitely wounded, my heart is about to explode and my
mind has held me prisoner in a cell full of rage and negativity. And I have
been here before; I know this all too well. Furthermore, and as everyone says,
I know this too shall pass, I know it all!!! But damn it why is it so hard to
stop feeling this way right now? Why did I find myself today lying in my bed
listening to awfully lame love songs torturing myself with endless amounts of
crying? I scream at people and friends who assume this sort of behavior, I criticize
it, I hate it, and yet I am living it, I am being THAT girl. And then somehow I
realize it. It is useless to fight it, I need to go through it, through all the
stages, because I did lose him, my friend, my love, a possibility of something
that will never be. I did have him, for years, as a loyal companion, and now
this love ruined it all, everything is changed, everything is gone, I am going
through loss, because I lost something good, something amazing, I lost HIM.
So this is
stage two: ANGER. All of my being is in
a pure state of rage. The urge to destroy every piece of furniture in my room,
the impotence of not being able to do anything, the uncontrollable tears
brought my own helplessness. Can you imagine? There are five stages… FIVE!!! And
I am only going through the second one… I am in for a hell of a ride
apparently. And you know what I say? BRING IT ON!!!! I am ready; the anger will
only make me stronger I guess to deal with the rest of this shitty situation.
In the end, like everything else, this will only be a memory, another
experience. In the end, I might even be able to talk to him about it. In the
end the tears will have shown me that nobody dies of this disease and that life
goes on. But for now, all I want is to scream, to vent, to cry. He brought me
back to life you see, my friend, my love, but this life he brought me back to,
hurts like a BITCH.
