Ok so it happened. The most dreaded day of my life finally came. Yesterday, at 10:30 am (that’s the exact time of my birth, and I’m sure no one cares about that) I turned 30. I must say I had feared this day since I turned 25. I know it’s my mind being stupid since, as everyone says, age is nothing but a number, but regardless of that, when you are faced with one of your biggest fears, YOU FREAK OUT! And I did.
I was driving back to town after an amazing pre birthday weekend with the guy who has become my personal guardian angel, (not in a romantic way but in a spiritual brother and sister way) on October 2nd (the day before my birthday). It was 11:55 pm, and suddenly I realized it, I had only 5 minutes left of my twenties. 5 freaking minutes!!!!! There was nothing I could do. I wanted to freeze time, bend time, turn back time, anything you can see in a fiction movie that can be done with time I wanted to do it! But of course, it was reality, and reality has a way of slapping you in the face with brutal strength. So what’s a girl to do when she realizes she cannot manipulate time, or stop a great decade of her life from ending? Some mature people would say rise to the occasion, chin up and think of the decade that’s coming as one that is full of possibilities… Not me, I started crying like a baby. Crying like I was dying inside. My friend, let’s call him “Harry” was like WTF is wrong with you? I could not speak. Then it was 11:58… I was getting really desperate in that car… two minutes… TWO! 120 seconds left. What was going to happen to me? How was I going to deal with the expectations that people have on 30 year olds? How was I going to let go of the best years of my life? So many questions!!! No one there to answer… I could not utter the words to “Harry” so he could not help me out, he was just looking at me like ok, it finally happened, she lost it. Every single thing I have done, every person I have met, every heartbreak, every special moment, and every achievement and failure of the last 10 years flashed through my mind in a matter 60 seconds. And then I had one minute left, and I could not stop thinking WTF WTF WTF! My heart was racing, tears streaming down my face, incapable of speaking, my mind went black, and so I looked at the car`s digital clock that was now my worst enemy. And then, it happened. 12:00 am, October 3rd 2011. I was 30. I felt numb. Harry was trying to hug me as he drove saying congratulations, I said thanks. I tried to explain it to him, like what are you doing don’t do this, I am freaking out, but he looked at me with such happiness, such joy brought by the fact that it was a great year and I should celebrate it, and I suddenly felt like the stupidest most childish woman ever to be born in the history of human race.
I have never felt such a mixture of feelings in such a little amount of time, fear, rage, frustration, impotence, numbness, disgust, shame, and then, calm… Nothing happened; I did not grow a full head of grey hairs. I did however feel ashamed not to be grateful for everything I have lived so far; ashamed not to be excited of what was coming now. I think the sadness comes from the fact that life is so beautiful it is too hard to see it go by so fast. I can honestly say that I am on the way of becoming something I have never been but I’ll talk about that some other day. This is relevant because for this reason, and by the means of this thing that I am going through, I can expect wonderful things to happen, amazing experiences to be lived, changes and challenges I can´t wait to face, and yet I cried like a baby in that car holding on to what was known to me, fearing, dreading everything about a NUMBER!!
Today I`m 30 years old (and one day), and I am feeling better. Part of the reason why I freaked was based on social conceptions of where someone should be at this age. According to old fashioned mostly conservative minds I should be married, thinking about having children (my grandmother says my ovaries are rotting), with a steady job and a life plan. Sadly I have none of that, and yes, many could say I´m late and perhaps I am. During my twenties I kept changing my mind about what it was that I wanted to do with my life, therefore, I studied different things, and even now I’m thinking I want to sink deeper into this writing thing, so I still have a lot to learn. Deep inside my mind there is a strong voice saying F..c society, f…c what everyone thinks. I have done all of this because I can, because I want to and I will continue to search for what makes me happy trying to honor of course everything my parents have done for me because without them, and their support, right now I would be a lawyer in this lawless country. I believe that everything happens when it should happen, when we are ready to handle things they will come to us.
The five minutes prior to my birthday were probably 5 of the worse minutes of my life, but the actual day did not suck as much. I realized that the people I care about are still there, like every year, remembering me, giving me their love. Family and friends, love, cheers, health, life… Can´t ask for more than that. So how can I end this entry? I guess I should end it with honesty, saying exactly what’s on my mind right now, so here goes: IM 30 AND IM READY TO ROCK THIS DECADE THE WAY I ROCKED THE LAST! AND TO ANYONE THAT THINKS I SHOULD BE SOMEWHERE ELSE RATHER THAN WHERE IM AT IN LIFE: THAT’S YOUR PROBLEM, NOT MINE. Enjoy each day people!!! Life goes by in a blink…don’t be whiners like me, don’t be babies like me, it’s ok to be afraid but we must embrace what comes to us, look at fear in the face and then kick it in the ass…
G
