Today I am melancholic and a little sad.
Actually I am VERY sad. Today I am in love. Yes, that stupid feeling I always
run from has finally caught up to me. Once again it reaches and grabs me, to
remind me that in this life you MUST feel… you can’t deceive emotions, and you
cannot run forever. I have spent the last few years avoiding strong sentiments.
Needless to say, as every human being, I have been to hell and back because of
bad relationships and, cheesy as it may sound, my heart has been broken on more
than one occasion. At some point, I decided that I did not want to go through
it all again, and that I had the power to control my feelings, to close doors
to possibilities I didn’t see convenient. I developed a keen sense of instinct that
would tell me if someone was not for me (usually I would find flaws in everyone
so no one was ever for me). I would think things like he does not accept me for
who I am, he lives too far away, he does not like what I like, he does not do
this or that, and just like that It would be over and I would move on,
unharmed, happy, safe. I met wonderful people, dated really interesting men,
learned a lot, and probably broke a few hearts myself, without that ever being
my intention of course, I just needed to think about me, my sanity, my peace. So
that was it, in my mind I found a way not to fall in love, and it served me
just fine, as I said, I was happy, I learned to love myself, to be content with
being single, to enjoy my own company, to be emotionally independent… I was
happy… I had it all under control… I was safe… UNTIL NOW…
The worst possible thing has happened to me… I
did not see it coming, it took me by storm, it invaded me like a disease, and
it will not leave me. This time I cannot close the door, I cannot run, I could
not hide, it was too late. I fell in love, hopelessly, completely, head over
hills in love. And just as if that was not awful enough for me, the real issue
here is WHO I fell for. Leave it to me to fall in love with the worst possible
person, leave it to me to fall in love with one of my best friends. Yes, that
happened to me, I am now one of the people in this world who is about to ruin a
friendship just because my mind, heart or whatever it is that decides these
stupid things, DECIDED that it was a good idea to destroy a good thing. Allow
me to make a long story short. This person and I, we know each other, we know
our every secret, even the darkest awful secrets no person alive should know,
we have our own language, we understand each other… It was the perfect
friendship, trust, laughs, years, it had it all. And then, we decided to get
really drunk, and realize that we were also attracted to one another and we
took it one step further… in other words, we screwed our whole relationship up.
And then, I was changed, for good. Many things happened after that that led me
to believe I had a chance, but the thing is this man values our friendship like
nothing else, he will not risk it, he will not ruin it by trying something that
might not work because of the very fact that we know too much. These are all my
assumptions, this is what I think is on his mind because of me knowing him so
well. But the truth is it does not matter, does it? He is not in love with me,
and therefore, I am in love, alone, in deep, painful silent love. And I feel it
again, my heart swelling up, my whole body hurting, my mind constantly going
back to him, this awful disease that is unrequited love.
And then, somehow, I feel… Alive? ... Yes! I
feel alive, like something inside of me woke up, something that was dead, numb,
and asleep. And then I think to myself, was I really happy before or was I just
dormant? It is incredible to me how this feeling can be additive, how the drama
makes you feel something, good or bad, but it is something. It is big, it
brings you down, it can even give you purpose (should I embark on the pointless
mission to get what I want which I won´t), you are filled with a combination of
strong emotions like sadness, love, pain, fear, sweaty hands, a fast beating
heart, butterflies, tears, anger, confusion, hope, expectations, and for a
minute, when I am with him, and I forget that it is not possible, I am happy,
happy to know him, happy to… FEEL.
I do not even know what I am trying to say
here, I have no idea how to confront this whole thing; I do not know what I
will do. I mean should I act on this? Should I do something about it? Or should
I just stay silent, let it go, save this friendship that is one of the things I
value most, save him from going to the painful idea of losing me as the
sidekick he has always had. I do not know anything. At some point I forgot how
to handle these things how to handle the enormity of what is happening inside
of me. For now, I think I will just let it flow, let it take its course. For now
I think I will be really sad and at the same time really grateful for these
feelings, for the blood flowing through my body, the hormones racing, and the survival
of my heart… It was dead you see, and now, I know for a fact, that it is more
alive than it has ever been. It is all worth it I think, the pain I mean, if in
the end you find out that it is true, LOVE is the strongest most powerful
feeling there is, it moves you, changes you, it has the ability to change us
all, to wake us up. To love is to live and breathe differently. Today I feel
alive because I love, today I am hurting, and tomorrow I will be stronger,
forever, stronger and alive. And then somehow, I realize it, he is my best
friend after all, even if he does not love me, he gave me the best of gifts, he
brought me back to life.
G.
