I took a look at my blog entries a few days ago and I didn’t like what I saw. When I started this I wanted it to mean something, and as I read about that plane story, or my ups and downs or my insomnia I did not feel much. I was talking to my best friend the other day and I told her that I felt the need to share intimate experiences and real deep feelings through this thing. I also told her that I was afraid to do this. Most of the people who are reading this now know me. We´ve either been friends forever, or we have seen each other once or twice, or we just met last year, or maybe we have never met in person but spoken somehow. Either way, it feels embarrassing to expose myself to everyone. My best friend (let`s call her “Andy”) always supportive and encouraging, said something like this: “Fuck what people think, just write whatever the hell you want and stop worrying about stupid things like you always do”… That’s my Andy, I must say she has been there for me in much harder times than this blogging crisis, and she has got me through it all, God bless her… but I digress… So in honor to her wise words I will turn this thing around and I will talk about things that maybe I should not talk about considering my brother reads this blog (bro, whenever you read the word sex STOP READING IMMEDIATELY).
I will not talk about sex today; I do not feel like it, even though I do have some good stories to tell. Not with details of course, I am not a porn writer, (even though I learned some good tips from that last book I read) but I could write about the people involved, words said, doors slammed, feelings hurt, recurring mistakes, good memories, GREAT memories, and so on… But not today.
Today I want to talk about the fact that I am 29, which means I am … wait, it hurts even as I start to write it...................... OK I am ready…yes, it means I am… Almost 30… There, I said it. I do not know why but I have been dreading this moment ever since I turned 25. You are probably thinking what an idiot, she said she was going to talk about intimate issues and she is talking about her age. Well friends, this is as intimate as it gets for me right now. I am having a midlife crisis at 29, as stupid as that might sound. There are so many places I wanted to be by the time I was 30. I can honestly tell you I am in none of those places. OK, I have done so many great things throughout my life, lived wonderful moments, met amazing people, but somehow I feel like I am losing the race against time. Let´s face it, society sucks, and it has ruined me by planting expectations in my head since I was 7 years old. I can’t help but feel like I should be at least on my way to forming a family. And as I see it I haven’t even figured out my professional path yet. Shit, why is it that some people have it all figured out by the time they are 21, and some other people like me are forever wondering? Yes I am bitching people, and with reason.
I know we are in the 21st century and things have changed. But still, as I see evolution around me, I feel a little left behind. Trust me; this is not about men and relationships. Although it would be nice to have that down cause then I would not have to worry about giving birth at 40 and my future son seeing me as a grandma, OK I’m obsessing, forgive me. As I was saying, this crisis I am having has nothing to do with my lack of luck in the romance department. I have had relationships that have brought me great moments (and let’s face it, some real shitty moments too) and from which I have learned a lot. I am sure all these men that have come and gone have prepared me for whoever will finally accept this challenge that is me, and for that I am grateful to all of them. OK it sounds like I am talking about hundreds of men, it’s not hundreds, it`s a lot less. Some of them are probably reading this, and if you are I hope you don’t mind but I will be talking about past relationships so do not be mad if you feel like a story sounds too familiar, I will always use fake names ;). Wow it’s amazing how I always get off track. What I wanted to say is that I am not bitter because I am 29 and I am single. Being single has given me time to be with myself, with my friends, the opportunity to leave a country with no regrets, the freedom to meet all kinds of wonderful people. I am sure that when I am ready to settle down, it will happen. What drives me insane is the fact that life seems to be passing me by and my youth going away.
Yes I know, I`m 29 not 80, but it’s symbolic! Turning 30 it’s like the end of the great years! Your childhood, your teenage years… the first time you fell in love, the first exam you failed, the first time you got drunk and of course your first awful hangover, when you graduated from high school, when you met the people who are now your best friends, the first time your parents talked to you about sex (my mother sent my aunt to do it, it was hilarious)… your first love!!! Oh your first love… writing their name in your notebooks, dedicating songs to them, the first time you held hands, the first kiss!, mine was amazing, (I know you are reading this, thanks for the most wonderful memories and for being in my life still). How can I not want to hold on? Turning 30 means the end of an era, it means I am not a kid anymore, and God how I loved being a kid. I have always been afraid of growing up, therefore my lack of commitment in many of my endeavors. But I feel like now it`s finally time to move on, to accept the fact that I am not a little girl anymore, that I now have to finish everything I start, stop living through my old memories and start creating new ones. I need to get cured once and for all of this Peter Pan syndrome and be 30 and proud… But right now, I am scared, I am holding on too tight. Some people say I might have missed my train, others say I am way too young to be talking about this, and me? I just love life too much to age happily. Truth is I have been lucky, and I just hope that whatever comes next feels the way these past 29 years have felt.
