THE HOOK UP GAMES

Ok so I kinda realized that my blog has been about me all along. I do not want to come off as some ego maniac freak that spends her days over analyzing herself. It is so obvious that there are far more interesting, funny and strange things happening out there. Like for instance: MEN AND WOMEN AND THE STUPID THINGS THEY DO OR SAY WHEN THEY WANT TO HOOK UP. Seriously, every time I go out I am in awe by what I see people do. And it’s not just men, its women too. The way they act all hard to get, saying no when they mean yes, and yes when they mean no, and I don’t know when they are really just clueless.  

Lately I have been paying more attention than ever it´s like I sit there and watch it all happen. But there is nothing like a personal experience is there? I specially want to talk about this guy that I met recently, let`s call him “Liam”. Liam is on his late 30s and he is the kind of guy who is always on the hunt, you know, like the guy who always goes to the same bar wearing always the same clothes he thinks are a success. In this bar there are like 4 new girls that he has never seen (all of the other ladies at the place he probably already hit on before) and all of them are possibilities, and believe me, he tries to get with all 4 of them, cause of course one is bound to bite, and usually one does, I know this because I did. Ok so this is not a bad looking guy, he is tall, well built, nice face, and of course, he is good with words. When I met him I was quite impressed, of course I didn’t really know him… and of course, I fell for the whole act. The thing to understand is this: men are not out there looking for their soul mate, they pretty much just want to get laid, and I mean, us girls know this, we have been there, more times than we would like, but even though all the signs point to “CAREFUL! HE IS AN ASSHOLE” we still go there. So one night I had a little too much to drink and let him kiss me, (NOTHING MORE HAPPENED) and what’s worse I let him into my HEAD! The next day I did what every woman does when the guy doesn’t call… I FREAKED OUT. I hate the stupid hours that go by while we, as idiots, wait by our cell phones just looking at it hoping that if we look hard enough it will ring… but it never does…he did not call. After a while we met again, and since I lost some weight he was interested again, and used the lowest card he could use on me, what men do when they want to get a girl for sure, he tried to lower my self esteem. I mean this is actually a technique they use as you can see in the following picture i found on the internet:

Anyways, he said: “When you lose all the weight you need to lose I will have you”. For some reason men are delusional and think that this can drive women insane for them, he thought I would say something like “oh no please take me now”. And let me be honest, somewhere deep inside, a tiny part of me, wanted to say that, but then a HUGE part of me just wanted to slap him in the face and tell him to go f..k himself, and so I told him just that, which of course made him want me more, as this is how these games work, a fight for power. Needless to say I feel ashamed, or maybe not ashamed, I feel that I am part of the human race, because I have been in this situations more times than I would like. I have seen my friends being played, o being players. I have heard phrases like: “hey I think we have chemistry, it would be a shame to waste that tonight”… or “you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen”, or “I cannot wait to get to know you better” only to be invited to a hotel later in the evening. I mean, we have to face it, boys will be boys. Somehow, Liam and I became “friends”, I mean we hang out with the same people and it was inevitable. He still says stupid things to me, he still thinks I will irremediably say yes at some point, and truth be told, I also have that stupid girl inside of me somewhere so it might happen, but trust me, I am fighting her! In the meantime, however, he hits on girls right in my face, usually all of them at the same time, he does not even care if they are there with other men, or if they are friends, he just knocks on doors waiting for someone to open one, and then someone does open it, only to be hit on the face with a brick. 

I mean seriously! What’s happening here people??? Do we really have to keep pretending? Do men really have to keep making stupid promises? And do us women have to keep hoping? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I am not bitter. I am one of those people who say what they want, do what they want, and don’t really care about whatever the hell other people think. But let´s face it, most men just want to get laid, and most women are out there looking for their better halves, (ok these days you see a lot of crazy women too but that’s not the topic) so how about a little honestly? How about if Liam would just come up and say: listen, I really  think you are hot, I have no idea if I am going to like you later but for know I just want to have sex with you, I cannot make any promises, probably I will never call you again. I´m sure he would get his fair share of slaps in the face, but then there would be less women out there feeling sorry for themselves. And how about if women could admit they have their needs too, cut the bullshit and just give Liam what he wants without pressuring him to be more than he is ever going to be? Because honestly it looks like Liam will always be an asshole. 

If we could all just say what we really want to say, cut the crap, stop playing games, maybe life would be a little easier right? But people LOVE THE DRAMA! We are drama dependants. No one knows what the hell they want… men are obsessed with women until they get them and then there are bored. Women love bad boys cause the good ones are boring and not challenging enough, and of course we are all  just a little bit masochistic inside aren´t we?… so WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THE HUMAN RACE??? What is it that people really want? And when it comes to romantic/sexual relationships, when do we stop lying to ourselves and to the people we want to relate to? The whole “finding a life partner” game is just too twisted for me to let it go by unmentioned. People who have already found someone who they can live with, someone to love, someone who just do not drive them crazy, HOLD ON TO THAT SOMEONE! Cause whatever issues you might be having, there is some crazy shit happening out there, some crazy people playing silly games. 

G. 

Note to Liam: If you are reading this, don´t be upset. Be proud I am using you to get my point across, let’s say I am using you for academic purposes. Sorry for calling you an asshole, I do not think that`s ALL you are… ;) 

FINALLY 30!! WTF

Ok so it happened. The most dreaded day of my life finally came. Yesterday, at 10:30 am (that’s the exact time of my birth, and I’m sure no one cares about that) I turned 30. I must say I had feared this day since I turned 25. I know it’s my mind being stupid since, as everyone says, age is nothing but a number, but regardless of that, when you are faced with one of your biggest fears, YOU FREAK OUT! And I did. 

I was driving back to town after an amazing pre birthday weekend with the guy who has become my personal guardian angel, (not in a romantic way but in a spiritual brother and sister way) on October 2^nd (the day before my birthday). It was 11:55 pm, and suddenly I realized it, I had only 5 minutes left of my twenties. 5 freaking minutes!!!!! There was nothing I could do. I wanted to freeze time, bend time, turn back time, anything you can see in a fiction movie that can be done with time I wanted to do it! But of course, it was reality, and reality has a way of slapping you in the face with brutal strength. So what’s a girl to do when she realizes she cannot manipulate time, or stop a great decade of her life from ending? Some mature people would say rise to the occasion, chin up and think of the decade that’s coming as one that is full of possibilities… Not me, I started crying like a baby. Crying like I was dying inside. My friend, let’s call him “Harry” was like WTF is wrong with you? I could not speak. Then it was 11:58… I was getting really desperate in that car… two minutes… TWO!  120 seconds left. What was going to happen to me? How was I going to deal with the expectations that people have on 30 year olds? How was I going to let go of the best years of my life? So many questions!!! No one there to answer… I could not utter the words to “Harry” so he could not help me out, he was just looking at me like ok, it finally happened, she lost it. Every single thing I have done, every person I have met, every heartbreak, every special moment, and every achievement and failure of the last 10 years flashed through my mind in a matter 60 seconds. And then I had one minute left, and I could not stop thinking WTF WTF WTF! My heart was racing, tears streaming down my face, incapable of speaking, my mind went black, and so I looked at the car`s digital clock that was now my worst enemy. And then, it happened. 12:00 am, October 3^rd 2011. I was 30. I felt numb. Harry was trying to hug me as he drove saying congratulations, I said thanks. I tried to explain it to him, like what are you doing don’t do this, I am freaking out, but he looked at me with such happiness, such joy brought by the fact that it was a great year and I should celebrate it, and I suddenly felt like the stupidest most childish woman ever to be born in the history of human race. 

I have never felt such a mixture of feelings in such a little amount of time, fear, rage, frustration, impotence, numbness, disgust, shame, and then, calm… Nothing happened; I did not grow a full head of grey hairs. I did however feel ashamed not to be grateful for everything I have lived so far; ashamed not to be excited of what was coming now. I think the sadness comes from the fact that life is so beautiful it is too hard to see it go by so fast. I can honestly say that I am on the way of becoming something I have never been but I’ll talk about that some other day. This is relevant because for this reason, and by the means of this thing that I am going through, I can expect wonderful things to happen, amazing experiences to be lived, changes and challenges I can´t wait to face, and yet I cried like a baby in that car holding on to what was known to me, fearing, dreading everything about a NUMBER!! 

Today I`m 30 years old (and one day), and I am feeling better. Part of the reason why I freaked was based on social conceptions of where someone should be at this age. According to old fashioned mostly conservative minds I should be married, thinking about having children (my grandmother says my ovaries are rotting), with a steady job and a life plan. Sadly I have none of that, and yes, many could say I´m late and perhaps I am. During my twenties I kept changing my mind about what it was that I wanted to do with my life, therefore, I studied different things, and even now I’m thinking I want to sink deeper into this writing thing, so I still have a lot to learn. Deep inside my mind there is a strong voice saying F..c society, f…c what everyone thinks. I have done all of this because I can, because I want to and I will continue to search for what makes me happy trying to honor of course everything my parents have done for me because without them, and their support, right now I would be a lawyer in this lawless country. I believe that everything happens when it should happen, when we are ready to handle things they will come to us. 

The five minutes prior to my birthday were probably 5 of the worse minutes of my life, but the actual day did not suck as much. I realized that the people I care about are still there, like every year, remembering me, giving me their love. Family and friends, love, cheers, health, life… Can´t ask for more than that. So how can I end this entry? I guess I should end it with honesty, saying exactly what’s on my mind right now, so here goes: IM 30 AND IM READY TO ROCK THIS DECADE THE WAY I ROCKED THE LAST! AND TO ANYONE THAT THINKS I SHOULD BE SOMEWHERE ELSE RATHER THAN WHERE IM AT IN LIFE: THAT’S YOUR PROBLEM, NOT MINE. Enjoy each day people!!! Life goes by in a blink…don’t be whiners like me, don’t be babies like me, it’s ok to be afraid but we must embrace what comes to us, look at fear in the face and then kick it in the ass… 

G