THE STAGES OF MY HEARTBREAK

Fuck my life… Yes, that’s how I want to begin this entry… I am SOOOO upset. I think I am going through the five stages of loss and grief… the funny thing is I haven’t lost anyone, because I had no one to begin with. It is said that when you lose someone you go through a number o f stages, namely: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I think that my psychotic self somehow decided that I needed to go through this hell in order to survive this stupid heartbreak that I am suffering from. Remember my last post? When I said I was grateful for these feelings and for the survival of my heart? Well that might have been true that day, but today? Today I say BULLSHIT! Yes, today I am unreasonable, mad, crazy and VERY ANGRY. Today I wish my heart was still dead, numb, and oblivious to all of this nonsense that I am inflicting over it. 

I do not know why I am sharing this with the world, but to hell with it. I decided to create this thing in order to vent, and to whine, and to express myself, and what better moment to vent than now when ALL MY STUPID FEELINGS are so hopelessly exposed. You see, for a number of reasons that are too mundane to divulge here, and that I will not bore you with, I am now 100 percent sure that this man that I fell for, that this “friend” that decided to become the object of my every nightmare, is not for me. I mean I know I already said that in my last post, but I must confess that deep inside of me, I truly believed that there was hope, I saw a glimmer of light in what was without a doubt darkness in the most horrible of forms. Well fuck that glimmer of light cause there is none, I was completely wrong, there is no hope, no light, no possibility, no nothing. And even though I said that this pain, made me feel alive and true as that might be, today I feel like it is straining my every muscle, hurting my already aching body, and killing my very soul (drama queen much?). I want to scream…. And what is it with the crying???? GOD!! I cannot for the life of me stop crying like a little girl! These are all things I had mastered in avoiding and now I am hopelessly submerged in this ocean of tears and self pity! Shit I feel like I am drowning here people!!! 

Ok having exposed all of that, bad words and all, I think it is safe to say that I am going INSANE. My ego is definitely wounded, my heart is about to explode and my mind has held me prisoner in a cell full of rage and negativity. And I have been here before; I know this all too well. Furthermore, and as everyone says, I know this too shall pass, I know it all!!! But damn it why is it so hard to stop feeling this way right now? Why did I find myself today lying in my bed listening to awfully lame love songs torturing myself with endless amounts of crying? I scream at people and friends who assume this sort of behavior, I criticize it, I hate it, and yet I am living it, I am being THAT girl. And then somehow I realize it. It is useless to fight it, I need to go through it, through all the stages, because I did lose him, my friend, my love, a possibility of something that will never be. I did have him, for years, as a loyal companion, and now this love ruined it all, everything is changed, everything is gone, I am going through loss, because I lost something good, something amazing, I lost HIM.

So this is stage two:  ANGER. All of my being is in a pure state of rage. The urge to destroy every piece of furniture in my room, the impotence of not being able to do anything, the uncontrollable tears brought my own helplessness. Can you imagine? There are five stages… FIVE!!! And I am only going through the second one… I am in for a hell of a ride apparently. And you know what I say? BRING IT ON!!!! I am ready; the anger will only make me stronger I guess to deal with the rest of this shitty situation. In the end, like everything else, this will only be a memory, another experience. In the end, I might even be able to talk to him about it. In the end the tears will have shown me that nobody dies of this disease and that life goes on. But for now, all I want is to scream, to vent, to cry. He brought me back to life you see, my friend, my love, but this life he brought me back to, hurts like a BITCH.

SILENT LOVE

Today I am melancholic and a little sad. Actually I am VERY sad. Today I am in love. Yes, that stupid feeling I always run from has finally caught up to me. Once again it reaches and grabs me, to remind me that in this life you MUST feel… you can’t deceive emotions, and you cannot run forever. I have spent the last few years avoiding strong sentiments. Needless to say, as every human being, I have been to hell and back because of bad relationships and, cheesy as it may sound, my heart has been broken on more than one occasion. At some point, I decided that I did not want to go through it all again, and that I had the power to control my feelings, to close doors to possibilities I didn’t see convenient. I developed a keen sense of instinct that would tell me if someone was not for me (usually I would find flaws in everyone so no one was ever for me). I would think things like he does not accept me for who I am, he lives too far away, he does not like what I like, he does not do this or that, and just like that It would be over and I would move on, unharmed, happy, safe. I met wonderful people, dated really interesting men, learned a lot, and probably broke a few hearts myself, without that ever being my intention of course, I just needed to think about me, my sanity, my peace. So that was it, in my mind I found a way not to fall in love, and it served me just fine, as I said, I was happy, I learned to love myself, to be content with being single, to enjoy my own company, to be emotionally independent… I was happy… I had it all under control… I was safe… UNTIL NOW… 

The worst possible thing has happened to me… I did not see it coming, it took me by storm, it invaded me like a disease, and it will not leave me. This time I cannot close the door, I cannot run, I could not hide, it was too late. I fell in love, hopelessly, completely, head over hills in love. And just as if that was not awful enough for me, the real issue here is WHO I fell for. Leave it to me to fall in love with the worst possible person, leave it to me to fall in love with one of my best friends. Yes, that happened to me, I am now one of the people in this world who is about to ruin a friendship just because my mind, heart or whatever it is that decides these stupid things, DECIDED that it was a good idea to destroy a good thing. Allow me to make a long story short. This person and I, we know each other, we know our every secret, even the darkest awful secrets no person alive should know, we have our own language, we understand each other… It was the perfect friendship, trust, laughs, years, it had it all. And then, we decided to get really drunk, and realize that we were also attracted to one another and we took it one step further… in other words, we screwed our whole relationship up. And then, I was changed, for good. Many things happened after that that led me to believe I had a chance, but the thing is this man values our friendship like nothing else, he will not risk it, he will not ruin it by trying something that might not work because of the very fact that we know too much. These are all my assumptions, this is what I think is on his mind because of me knowing him so well. But the truth is it does not matter, does it? He is not in love with me, and therefore, I am in love, alone, in deep, painful silent love. And I feel it again, my heart swelling up, my whole body hurting, my mind constantly going back to him, this awful disease that is unrequited love. 

And then, somehow, I feel… Alive? ... Yes! I feel alive, like something inside of me woke up, something that was dead, numb, and asleep. And then I think to myself, was I really happy before or was I just dormant? It is incredible to me how this feeling can be additive, how the drama makes you feel something, good or bad, but it is something. It is big, it brings you down, it can even give you purpose (should I embark on the pointless mission to get what I want which I won´t), you are filled with a combination of strong emotions like sadness, love, pain, fear, sweaty hands, a fast beating heart, butterflies, tears, anger, confusion, hope, expectations, and for a minute, when I am with him, and I forget that it is not possible, I am happy, happy to know him, happy to… FEEL. 

I do not even know what I am trying to say here, I have no idea how to confront this whole thing; I do not know what I will do. I mean should I act on this? Should I do something about it? Or should I just stay silent, let it go, save this friendship that is one of the things I value most, save him from going to the painful idea of losing me as the sidekick he has always had. I do not know anything. At some point I forgot how to handle these things how to handle the enormity of what is happening inside of me. For now, I think I will just let it flow, let it take its course. For now I think I will be really sad and at the same time really grateful for these feelings, for the blood flowing through my body, the hormones racing, and the survival of my heart… It was dead you see, and now, I know for a fact, that it is more alive than it has ever been. It is all worth it I think, the pain I mean, if in the end you find out that it is true, LOVE is the strongest most powerful feeling there is, it moves you, changes you, it has the ability to change us all, to wake us up. To love is to live and breathe differently. Today I feel alive because I love, today I am hurting, and tomorrow I will be stronger, forever, stronger and alive. And then somehow, I realize it, he is my best friend after all, even if he does not love me, he gave me the best of gifts, he brought me back to life. 

G.