When I started this thing I said I was going to be sharing my feelings and experiences… I haven’t written in days, and that’s because I have been feeling down… Today I decided to write about some random event of my life… You know, to take my mind off things… But it was a feel good story; I felt ridiculous trying to write something funny, when I am feeling anything but. So I have decided to stay true to my feelings, to my mood! I will not deceive anyone who reads this into believing that the world is perfect all the time, because nothing is further from the truth.
Life is hard, I’m sure this is not news to any of you. Isn’t it amazing how you can feel like you`ve got it all one day, and then, the next day you are totally unsatisfied? The human mind astonishes me, it tricks you, it sabotages you sometimes, and today my mind is playing games with me. And what’s worse! I'M LETTING IT WIN!
I go out of my house and where I usually see love, I now see hate, hypocrisy, fear, envy, greed. I’m focusing on the negativity and it is bringing me down. Then, I look inside of me and I do not like what I see! A few questions come to mind: What’s happening with the world? What´s happening to me? I am pretty sure I`m not ready to answer the first question. The world is a continuous battle between good and evil. Sometimes I feel like the human nature is destroying everything. What’s more, sometimes I feel embarrassed of my own nature, of my own humanity. But then, I see love again, everything we are capable of doing when we love. We are different, we are a special kind. WE GET TO LOVE! So the world is as confusing as my words, and much more. There is love and ugliness and sacrifice and murders and giving and good souls and bad souls and everything. Everything…
I can only hope, I can only dig inside myself to get some of that faith that gets me through every time. But I am a whole other issue. My situation. My life. What am I doing? Where am I going? I have taken so many wrong turns throughout my life that I can´t seem to recognize if I am on the right one now. Probably not, that would be a first. I feel like life is passing me by and I have not done one thing, one significant thing that truly defines me. Actually, writing is the only thing I have ever done that feels close to that. I’m stuck. That’s the truth. There is no other world for it. I have done the unimaginable to unstuck myself, but nothing works, I´m inevitably stuck. And maybe I am not stuck at all, maybe it is just a feeling, maybe I am moving along with time and with the world, but I can´t seem to notice. Sometimes I feel like I am the same girl I was 10 years ago, and that frightens me….
Anyways, do not worry about me, I will be fine, this is my mind talking not my heart. And my mind is a tricky one. Next time I do this blog thing I am sure I will be back to my old sarcastic self, trying to figure things out as I go… as I breathe… as a write…
