THE STAGES OF MY HEARTBREAK

Fuck my life… Yes, that’s how I want to begin this entry… I am SOOOO upset. I think I am going through the five stages of loss and grief… the funny thing is I haven’t lost anyone, because I had no one to begin with. It is said that when you lose someone you go through a number o f stages, namely: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I think that my psychotic self somehow decided that I needed to go through this hell in order to survive this stupid heartbreak that I am suffering from. Remember my last post? When I said I was grateful for these feelings and for the survival of my heart? Well that might have been true that day, but today? Today I say BULLSHIT! Yes, today I am unreasonable, mad, crazy and VERY ANGRY. Today I wish my heart was still dead, numb, and oblivious to all of this nonsense that I am inflicting over it. 

I do not know why I am sharing this with the world, but to hell with it. I decided to create this thing in order to vent, and to whine, and to express myself, and what better moment to vent than now when ALL MY STUPID FEELINGS are so hopelessly exposed. You see, for a number of reasons that are too mundane to divulge here, and that I will not bore you with, I am now 100 percent sure that this man that I fell for, that this “friend” that decided to become the object of my every nightmare, is not for me. I mean I know I already said that in my last post, but I must confess that deep inside of me, I truly believed that there was hope, I saw a glimmer of light in what was without a doubt darkness in the most horrible of forms. Well fuck that glimmer of light cause there is none, I was completely wrong, there is no hope, no light, no possibility, no nothing. And even though I said that this pain, made me feel alive and true as that might be, today I feel like it is straining my every muscle, hurting my already aching body, and killing my very soul (drama queen much?). I want to scream…. And what is it with the crying???? GOD!! I cannot for the life of me stop crying like a little girl! These are all things I had mastered in avoiding and now I am hopelessly submerged in this ocean of tears and self pity! Shit I feel like I am drowning here people!!! 

Ok having exposed all of that, bad words and all, I think it is safe to say that I am going INSANE. My ego is definitely wounded, my heart is about to explode and my mind has held me prisoner in a cell full of rage and negativity. And I have been here before; I know this all too well. Furthermore, and as everyone says, I know this too shall pass, I know it all!!! But damn it why is it so hard to stop feeling this way right now? Why did I find myself today lying in my bed listening to awfully lame love songs torturing myself with endless amounts of crying? I scream at people and friends who assume this sort of behavior, I criticize it, I hate it, and yet I am living it, I am being THAT girl. And then somehow I realize it. It is useless to fight it, I need to go through it, through all the stages, because I did lose him, my friend, my love, a possibility of something that will never be. I did have him, for years, as a loyal companion, and now this love ruined it all, everything is changed, everything is gone, I am going through loss, because I lost something good, something amazing, I lost HIM.

So this is stage two:  ANGER. All of my being is in a pure state of rage. The urge to destroy every piece of furniture in my room, the impotence of not being able to do anything, the uncontrollable tears brought my own helplessness. Can you imagine? There are five stages… FIVE!!! And I am only going through the second one… I am in for a hell of a ride apparently. And you know what I say? BRING IT ON!!!! I am ready; the anger will only make me stronger I guess to deal with the rest of this shitty situation. In the end, like everything else, this will only be a memory, another experience. In the end, I might even be able to talk to him about it. In the end the tears will have shown me that nobody dies of this disease and that life goes on. But for now, all I want is to scream, to vent, to cry. He brought me back to life you see, my friend, my love, but this life he brought me back to, hurts like a BITCH.

SILENT LOVE

Today I am melancholic and a little sad. Actually I am VERY sad. Today I am in love. Yes, that stupid feeling I always run from has finally caught up to me. Once again it reaches and grabs me, to remind me that in this life you MUST feel… you can’t deceive emotions, and you cannot run forever. I have spent the last few years avoiding strong sentiments. Needless to say, as every human being, I have been to hell and back because of bad relationships and, cheesy as it may sound, my heart has been broken on more than one occasion. At some point, I decided that I did not want to go through it all again, and that I had the power to control my feelings, to close doors to possibilities I didn’t see convenient. I developed a keen sense of instinct that would tell me if someone was not for me (usually I would find flaws in everyone so no one was ever for me). I would think things like he does not accept me for who I am, he lives too far away, he does not like what I like, he does not do this or that, and just like that It would be over and I would move on, unharmed, happy, safe. I met wonderful people, dated really interesting men, learned a lot, and probably broke a few hearts myself, without that ever being my intention of course, I just needed to think about me, my sanity, my peace. So that was it, in my mind I found a way not to fall in love, and it served me just fine, as I said, I was happy, I learned to love myself, to be content with being single, to enjoy my own company, to be emotionally independent… I was happy… I had it all under control… I was safe… UNTIL NOW… 

The worst possible thing has happened to me… I did not see it coming, it took me by storm, it invaded me like a disease, and it will not leave me. This time I cannot close the door, I cannot run, I could not hide, it was too late. I fell in love, hopelessly, completely, head over hills in love. And just as if that was not awful enough for me, the real issue here is WHO I fell for. Leave it to me to fall in love with the worst possible person, leave it to me to fall in love with one of my best friends. Yes, that happened to me, I am now one of the people in this world who is about to ruin a friendship just because my mind, heart or whatever it is that decides these stupid things, DECIDED that it was a good idea to destroy a good thing. Allow me to make a long story short. This person and I, we know each other, we know our every secret, even the darkest awful secrets no person alive should know, we have our own language, we understand each other… It was the perfect friendship, trust, laughs, years, it had it all. And then, we decided to get really drunk, and realize that we were also attracted to one another and we took it one step further… in other words, we screwed our whole relationship up. And then, I was changed, for good. Many things happened after that that led me to believe I had a chance, but the thing is this man values our friendship like nothing else, he will not risk it, he will not ruin it by trying something that might not work because of the very fact that we know too much. These are all my assumptions, this is what I think is on his mind because of me knowing him so well. But the truth is it does not matter, does it? He is not in love with me, and therefore, I am in love, alone, in deep, painful silent love. And I feel it again, my heart swelling up, my whole body hurting, my mind constantly going back to him, this awful disease that is unrequited love. 

And then, somehow, I feel… Alive? ... Yes! I feel alive, like something inside of me woke up, something that was dead, numb, and asleep. And then I think to myself, was I really happy before or was I just dormant? It is incredible to me how this feeling can be additive, how the drama makes you feel something, good or bad, but it is something. It is big, it brings you down, it can even give you purpose (should I embark on the pointless mission to get what I want which I won´t), you are filled with a combination of strong emotions like sadness, love, pain, fear, sweaty hands, a fast beating heart, butterflies, tears, anger, confusion, hope, expectations, and for a minute, when I am with him, and I forget that it is not possible, I am happy, happy to know him, happy to… FEEL. 

I do not even know what I am trying to say here, I have no idea how to confront this whole thing; I do not know what I will do. I mean should I act on this? Should I do something about it? Or should I just stay silent, let it go, save this friendship that is one of the things I value most, save him from going to the painful idea of losing me as the sidekick he has always had. I do not know anything. At some point I forgot how to handle these things how to handle the enormity of what is happening inside of me. For now, I think I will just let it flow, let it take its course. For now I think I will be really sad and at the same time really grateful for these feelings, for the blood flowing through my body, the hormones racing, and the survival of my heart… It was dead you see, and now, I know for a fact, that it is more alive than it has ever been. It is all worth it I think, the pain I mean, if in the end you find out that it is true, LOVE is the strongest most powerful feeling there is, it moves you, changes you, it has the ability to change us all, to wake us up. To love is to live and breathe differently. Today I feel alive because I love, today I am hurting, and tomorrow I will be stronger, forever, stronger and alive. And then somehow, I realize it, he is my best friend after all, even if he does not love me, he gave me the best of gifts, he brought me back to life. 

G.

MY RELATIONSHIP WITH ALCOHOL

These days I am a little tired of thinking and talking about human relations, I mean, the fact that I keep messing up my own relationships is an indication that I do not know a whole lot about the topic. So instead of going on and on about men and women and their interactions, I would like to write about another type of association, the one I have with alcohol. Yes, alcohol, as in alcoholic beverages, as in beverages that have ethanol in them, as in beverages that have had an important impact and influence in my life. In fact, I do not like to generalize, but I in this case I am willing to take a risk and say that most people have found that alcohol has influenced them in some way or another. In my case, I must say, it has been sort of defining. I mean do not get me wrong, I am not an alcoholic, but I recently discovered an awful truth: That I was kind of “dependent” on alcohol when it came to social activities. I mean it is what I have always known, you go out, you have a drink, or two, or three, you have fun, you are more sociable in weird surroundings etc… and I had it under control… I mean of course there were a few nights when I had one too many, but mostly I knew when to stop. Now everything has changed.

I will try to make a long story short. I had this surgery done last year (I will go more into that some other time)… let’s just say that after this procedure I was not allowed to drink alcohol for two months, and if and when I started drinking again my tolerance to it would be diminished. During these two months of abstinence I learned things I never knew, I WAS BORING AND EASILY BORED… I wasn’t as talkative, I wasn’t as interested, and I wanted to go home sooner… Alcohol does it all, it makes people interesting, it turns silly conversations into life changing epiphanies, it makes people attractive, it blinds you, and it can also kill you. Alcohol is a social uninhibiter, you become braver, you have the courage to do things you would have never done sober, but this does not mean that these things you are brave enough to do are good things. My problem was not the fact that I could not drink, my problem came when I started drinking again. As I said before, my tolerance was diminished, three glasses of wine and I would be dead drunk with no possibility of controlling myself or my actions. That fun stage that you are in after a few drinks and before being drunk did not exist for me anymore. I went from sober to drunk in one zip. And let me tell you, I MADE A HUGE ASS OF MYSELF IN THE PROCESS. So now alcohol was poison for me, it’s like a whole other person possessed me and I was Gaby no more, but this idiotic 30 year old who behaved like a 15 year old. I will just mention three stupid things I did (I am humiliating myself enough by confessing my alcohol issues):

1.    Gave my phone number (with a “call me” written besides it) to a complete stranger while my father was sitting right next to me (I do not know which part was worse, that it was a stranger or that my father saw that).
2.    Got on the stage of a bar, and decided I was one of the dancers, and started dancing like an idiot in front of normal people who were just expecting a nice dinner and a show night and did not deserve to see that.
3.    Decided that it was an amazing idea to “drunk text” and started texting people telling them my true feelings, for instance, if I hated you, I would text exactly that… and so on and so forth…

All of these things happened on three separate nights… Three times I have had that extra zip that has led me to my downfall. And let me tell you, I have thought about leaving alcohol for good. But can I? I do not know… I have found that it is difficult for me to interact socially without it. These days people even get offended if you say “oh nothing for me, I’m not drinking tonight”. Even during business lunches and things like that people drink. What about dates? Yes, dates, that glass of wine that relaxes you enough in order to start being yourself and not be so nervous. I am used to all of that, I was used to functioning perfectly without making a fool of myself but now I just can’t find the proper amount, the proper solution.  Could it be? Could I go on without it? Could my social life survive the absence of my once constant and now dangerous friend? I honestly have no idea, I prefer to believe that I don’t need to, I will continue to experiment on proper dosage and for this I have recruited a fine selection of friends who are obliged to tie me up should I become a danger to my reputation and my principles, or if I mention stupid ideas such as: “hey how fun would it be to get up on that stage and dance while ruining everyone´s night!?” … I hope that works out, I do have the most amazing friends that are willing to take care of me… but what if THEY get drunk? Ugh this whole thing is giving me a headache, I think I need a drink…kidding… (or not?)

Anyways, I just wanted to share this problem I have been having. When you are used to living one way and suddenly the game changes it is always hard to adjust, to adapt. And when it comes to alcohol everything is even harder because if consumed carelessly awful things can happen. Needless to say, I do not drink and drive, NONE OF US SHOULD! That is, in my opinion, the stupidest most dangerous thing to do, so do not fear that this will ever happen to me. On the three nights I got completely brain dead from alcohol my car was at home where it should always be if I know I will be drinking. So let`s hope I can figure this whole thing out, I do not want to break up with alcohol, we have had our ups and downs, but I love it too much to let it go so easy. However, should it continue to be this rebellious inside my body, I will have to say goodbye for good. I will tell you how this whole thing turns out… In the meantime let me finish with a few questions: Have you stopped and considered the influence alcohol has in your life? Have you ever ruined other people`s night because you were too drunk? Have you ever noticed how alcohol gives you confidence and courage but at the same time it can make you the most idiotic human being in the world? Think about it, I never used to until now… and I have found that it has led me to some sort of self-discovery and into a reassessment of who I really am and what I am lacking in terms of my social life…  Someday I will have everything figured out, until then I guess I will just keep bothering all of you with my issues… 

G

LIAM STRIKES BACK

Ok so I woke up today thinking: wow I need to write, but what about? Since my mind and creativity have been dead for a while (it happens don’t judge!) I decided to just write about this quite interesting encounter I had last night.  I had the pleasure of listening to a man tell me about his particular point of view regarding what is it that relationships need in order to work out.  I tell you there is nothing I love more than just sit there and listen to a man talk about women and how complicated they are. The most interesting part of this meeting is that it was with “Liam”… Yes, remember him? The one I wrote about a few months ago, the man I said was one of the usual assholes walking around this earth? Well I wrote on that entry that we had become friends and that I would probably end up falling for the whole act again, and so I did.

Liam and I agreed to meet; we hadn’t seen each other in a while. He picked me up and took me to his place. Needless to say, I was COMPLETELY SURE he was taking me there with only one thing in mind, to finally prove that he could get what he wanted. I was ready to reject him, I had the whole thing planned in my head… but guess what? I was dead wrong, he just wanted to talk… turns out in this godforsaken town that we live in there are not many people you can sit down and have serious meaningful conversations with, and so that’s what we did. We started talking about our lives, our past relationships, about the silly games we play these days. And then, suddenly, it happened, he told me about this theory, his own personal solution to relationship issues these days.

The whole theory revolves around how people (especially women) get territorial ridiculously fast, how they assume that just because things went well on one date then things are supposed to get serious right after… Like for instance, if the guy doesn’t text a hundred times the next day the girl goes crazy, or if she finds out he has another date on Saturday then he is instantly a worthless piece of crap, why? Because we have such high expectations that this one date could lead us into a potential life partner that we assume that we are exclusive right there and then. That’s where his theory begins. He thinks that in order to be in a healthy relationship, one needs to “EARN THAT EXCLUSIVITY”. In his opinion once people go out none of them should assume anything from the evening cause it is impossible to get to know someone in one night, it takes more or less six months to even begin to see where people come from, who they really are, where they are going and so on. So during these six months they should be allowed to do as they please, go out with other people if they want to, not be obliged to be with that other person 24/7 right from the beginning because that would be entering into a forced fake relationship based in 3 hours of two people showing their best face. So six months of figuring out if that person becomes the air you need to breath or to find out that it was not meant to be at all. I must say at first I said: “shut up Liam, this is just you saying you hate commitment and that you looking for a free pass to do as you please while still going out with someone you like”, but then when I really thought about it I must admit I started to give in. I mean let´s think about it for a minute. Sometimes we idealize people so much that we jump into a relationship blindfolded and just pray this person turns out to be what we dream of. We start obsessing instantly after one date, thinking did he like me? Will he call? When will he ask me out again? And when he does call, we do something even worse, we assume this person completely fell for us and we claim them, from there and then they are not supposed to think about no one else but us… And so people get forced quickly into exclusive relationships which they decide to get into because yes, they liked the other person, but deep inside they do not really know them. In Liam´s opinion that’s how unhealthy complicated associations are born, they had a death sentence before they even existed. And so he requests: “Let me earn that exclusivity, earn mine, let me realize for myself that I want to be with you, do not force me into it, let it grow naturally, allow yourself to really find out if I am really worth it, let´s not jump into a pool blindfolded without even knowing if there is water in it or not”.

It is an interesting concept, it is refreshing; humans tend to smother, to claim, to obsess, and this theory seems breathy, relaxed and fair. But is it a way for Liam to just be Liam and get with many women without feeling guilty about it? Did I once again fall into a man´s way with words? I have no idea; I honestly do not think so. I see so many failed relationships these days, so many codependency issues, marriages ending after one month of living together, people staying together just because they fear disrupting their routines because that routine is all they know, and even if they cannot bear the touch the other person they just stay there, being unhappy. Sadly, I see more sad stories than happy endings, and so I realize that there is something wrong, I cannot quite put a pin on it, but maybe Liam is onto something, maybe we should just stop assuming everyone we meet is prince charming, maybe we should let them win that title over time instead of appointing it instantly, be more patient, relaxed, calmed. I mean when did this become a race? It seems like people fight against time to find someone, like as if time passing by while being single meant losing some sort of battle, and then we settle, and everything gets really screwed up.

So yes, Liam raised a good point, I was quite impressed. The even more unbelievable part? He did not try anything with me while we were in his apartment, a total gentleman (I don’t think he liked what I wrote about him last and he might have been trying to prove something). Funny thing is, his lack of trying hurt my ego, made me want him to try, but that’s women right? As soon as we realize it is a challenge we get motivated. So again it is all about ego issues and games being played. My point with this story? I have no idea, it is all about hope I guess, it is about trying, figuring out a way to interact, to coexist, lo live and let live. Lots of people out there with interesting points of view, maybe one of them has the answers, maybe Liam knows what he is talking about, maybe not, what do you think? Cannot hurt to try…

G