MY RELATIONSHIP WITH ALCOHOL

These days I am a little tired of thinking and talking about human relations, I mean, the fact that I keep messing up my own relationships is an indication that I do not know a whole lot about the topic. So instead of going on and on about men and women and their interactions, I would like to write about another type of association, the one I have with alcohol. Yes, alcohol, as in alcoholic beverages, as in beverages that have ethanol in them, as in beverages that have had an important impact and influence in my life. In fact, I do not like to generalize, but I in this case I am willing to take a risk and say that most people have found that alcohol has influenced them in some way or another. In my case, I must say, it has been sort of defining. I mean do not get me wrong, I am not an alcoholic, but I recently discovered an awful truth: That I was kind of “dependent” on alcohol when it came to social activities. I mean it is what I have always known, you go out, you have a drink, or two, or three, you have fun, you are more sociable in weird surroundings etc… and I had it under control… I mean of course there were a few nights when I had one too many, but mostly I knew when to stop. Now everything has changed.

I will try to make a long story short. I had this surgery done last year (I will go more into that some other time)… let’s just say that after this procedure I was not allowed to drink alcohol for two months, and if and when I started drinking again my tolerance to it would be diminished. During these two months of abstinence I learned things I never knew, I WAS BORING AND EASILY BORED… I wasn’t as talkative, I wasn’t as interested, and I wanted to go home sooner… Alcohol does it all, it makes people interesting, it turns silly conversations into life changing epiphanies, it makes people attractive, it blinds you, and it can also kill you. Alcohol is a social uninhibiter, you become braver, you have the courage to do things you would have never done sober, but this does not mean that these things you are brave enough to do are good things. My problem was not the fact that I could not drink, my problem came when I started drinking again. As I said before, my tolerance was diminished, three glasses of wine and I would be dead drunk with no possibility of controlling myself or my actions. That fun stage that you are in after a few drinks and before being drunk did not exist for me anymore. I went from sober to drunk in one zip. And let me tell you, I MADE A HUGE ASS OF MYSELF IN THE PROCESS. So now alcohol was poison for me, it’s like a whole other person possessed me and I was Gaby no more, but this idiotic 30 year old who behaved like a 15 year old. I will just mention three stupid things I did (I am humiliating myself enough by confessing my alcohol issues):

1.    Gave my phone number (with a “call me” written besides it) to a complete stranger while my father was sitting right next to me (I do not know which part was worse, that it was a stranger or that my father saw that).
2.    Got on the stage of a bar, and decided I was one of the dancers, and started dancing like an idiot in front of normal people who were just expecting a nice dinner and a show night and did not deserve to see that.
3.    Decided that it was an amazing idea to “drunk text” and started texting people telling them my true feelings, for instance, if I hated you, I would text exactly that… and so on and so forth…

All of these things happened on three separate nights… Three times I have had that extra zip that has led me to my downfall. And let me tell you, I have thought about leaving alcohol for good. But can I? I do not know… I have found that it is difficult for me to interact socially without it. These days people even get offended if you say “oh nothing for me, I’m not drinking tonight”. Even during business lunches and things like that people drink. What about dates? Yes, dates, that glass of wine that relaxes you enough in order to start being yourself and not be so nervous. I am used to all of that, I was used to functioning perfectly without making a fool of myself but now I just can’t find the proper amount, the proper solution.  Could it be? Could I go on without it? Could my social life survive the absence of my once constant and now dangerous friend? I honestly have no idea, I prefer to believe that I don’t need to, I will continue to experiment on proper dosage and for this I have recruited a fine selection of friends who are obliged to tie me up should I become a danger to my reputation and my principles, or if I mention stupid ideas such as: “hey how fun would it be to get up on that stage and dance while ruining everyone´s night!?” … I hope that works out, I do have the most amazing friends that are willing to take care of me… but what if THEY get drunk? Ugh this whole thing is giving me a headache, I think I need a drink…kidding… (or not?)

Anyways, I just wanted to share this problem I have been having. When you are used to living one way and suddenly the game changes it is always hard to adjust, to adapt. And when it comes to alcohol everything is even harder because if consumed carelessly awful things can happen. Needless to say, I do not drink and drive, NONE OF US SHOULD! That is, in my opinion, the stupidest most dangerous thing to do, so do not fear that this will ever happen to me. On the three nights I got completely brain dead from alcohol my car was at home where it should always be if I know I will be drinking. So let`s hope I can figure this whole thing out, I do not want to break up with alcohol, we have had our ups and downs, but I love it too much to let it go so easy. However, should it continue to be this rebellious inside my body, I will have to say goodbye for good. I will tell you how this whole thing turns out… In the meantime let me finish with a few questions: Have you stopped and considered the influence alcohol has in your life? Have you ever ruined other people`s night because you were too drunk? Have you ever noticed how alcohol gives you confidence and courage but at the same time it can make you the most idiotic human being in the world? Think about it, I never used to until now… and I have found that it has led me to some sort of self-discovery and into a reassessment of who I really am and what I am lacking in terms of my social life…  Someday I will have everything figured out, until then I guess I will just keep bothering all of you with my issues… 

G

LIAM STRIKES BACK

Ok so I woke up today thinking: wow I need to write, but what about? Since my mind and creativity have been dead for a while (it happens don’t judge!) I decided to just write about this quite interesting encounter I had last night.  I had the pleasure of listening to a man tell me about his particular point of view regarding what is it that relationships need in order to work out.  I tell you there is nothing I love more than just sit there and listen to a man talk about women and how complicated they are. The most interesting part of this meeting is that it was with “Liam”… Yes, remember him? The one I wrote about a few months ago, the man I said was one of the usual assholes walking around this earth? Well I wrote on that entry that we had become friends and that I would probably end up falling for the whole act again, and so I did.

Liam and I agreed to meet; we hadn’t seen each other in a while. He picked me up and took me to his place. Needless to say, I was COMPLETELY SURE he was taking me there with only one thing in mind, to finally prove that he could get what he wanted. I was ready to reject him, I had the whole thing planned in my head… but guess what? I was dead wrong, he just wanted to talk… turns out in this godforsaken town that we live in there are not many people you can sit down and have serious meaningful conversations with, and so that’s what we did. We started talking about our lives, our past relationships, about the silly games we play these days. And then, suddenly, it happened, he told me about this theory, his own personal solution to relationship issues these days.

The whole theory revolves around how people (especially women) get territorial ridiculously fast, how they assume that just because things went well on one date then things are supposed to get serious right after… Like for instance, if the guy doesn’t text a hundred times the next day the girl goes crazy, or if she finds out he has another date on Saturday then he is instantly a worthless piece of crap, why? Because we have such high expectations that this one date could lead us into a potential life partner that we assume that we are exclusive right there and then. That’s where his theory begins. He thinks that in order to be in a healthy relationship, one needs to “EARN THAT EXCLUSIVITY”. In his opinion once people go out none of them should assume anything from the evening cause it is impossible to get to know someone in one night, it takes more or less six months to even begin to see where people come from, who they really are, where they are going and so on. So during these six months they should be allowed to do as they please, go out with other people if they want to, not be obliged to be with that other person 24/7 right from the beginning because that would be entering into a forced fake relationship based in 3 hours of two people showing their best face. So six months of figuring out if that person becomes the air you need to breath or to find out that it was not meant to be at all. I must say at first I said: “shut up Liam, this is just you saying you hate commitment and that you looking for a free pass to do as you please while still going out with someone you like”, but then when I really thought about it I must admit I started to give in. I mean let´s think about it for a minute. Sometimes we idealize people so much that we jump into a relationship blindfolded and just pray this person turns out to be what we dream of. We start obsessing instantly after one date, thinking did he like me? Will he call? When will he ask me out again? And when he does call, we do something even worse, we assume this person completely fell for us and we claim them, from there and then they are not supposed to think about no one else but us… And so people get forced quickly into exclusive relationships which they decide to get into because yes, they liked the other person, but deep inside they do not really know them. In Liam´s opinion that’s how unhealthy complicated associations are born, they had a death sentence before they even existed. And so he requests: “Let me earn that exclusivity, earn mine, let me realize for myself that I want to be with you, do not force me into it, let it grow naturally, allow yourself to really find out if I am really worth it, let´s not jump into a pool blindfolded without even knowing if there is water in it or not”.

It is an interesting concept, it is refreshing; humans tend to smother, to claim, to obsess, and this theory seems breathy, relaxed and fair. But is it a way for Liam to just be Liam and get with many women without feeling guilty about it? Did I once again fall into a man´s way with words? I have no idea; I honestly do not think so. I see so many failed relationships these days, so many codependency issues, marriages ending after one month of living together, people staying together just because they fear disrupting their routines because that routine is all they know, and even if they cannot bear the touch the other person they just stay there, being unhappy. Sadly, I see more sad stories than happy endings, and so I realize that there is something wrong, I cannot quite put a pin on it, but maybe Liam is onto something, maybe we should just stop assuming everyone we meet is prince charming, maybe we should let them win that title over time instead of appointing it instantly, be more patient, relaxed, calmed. I mean when did this become a race? It seems like people fight against time to find someone, like as if time passing by while being single meant losing some sort of battle, and then we settle, and everything gets really screwed up.

So yes, Liam raised a good point, I was quite impressed. The even more unbelievable part? He did not try anything with me while we were in his apartment, a total gentleman (I don’t think he liked what I wrote about him last and he might have been trying to prove something). Funny thing is, his lack of trying hurt my ego, made me want him to try, but that’s women right? As soon as we realize it is a challenge we get motivated. So again it is all about ego issues and games being played. My point with this story? I have no idea, it is all about hope I guess, it is about trying, figuring out a way to interact, to coexist, lo live and let live. Lots of people out there with interesting points of view, maybe one of them has the answers, maybe Liam knows what he is talking about, maybe not, what do you think? Cannot hurt to try…

G